Beef Juice

Burning Mort 5 early outlook Keys to Beef’s Success: 1. Don’t touch the drums. 2. Don’t smoke anything. Thanks guys. I had so much fun, even when my incessant drumming cost my troupe’s chances and I smoked myself into the upside-down. Sincerely, Beef Juice (3-time last place king)

I’m on my way!

In the before times, great warriors would gather in the Dakota plains and do battle in contests of great strength, both physically and mentally. If you gaze out onto the horizon, they say you can see their spirits still, shitting on a makeshift toilet under some brush.

Safe to say at this point that 2020 is completely out of the question for Tomczak Bowl. We'll be back Spring of 2021 if we can get a vaccine before then.

Just remember. The real Burning Mort is in here. (Points to @sonofpatbeach's penis)

I'm not committed to saying I'm out yet. But my autoimmune compromised ass is definitely listed as "Doubtful" for this event unfortunately.

Most of you already know this, but Tomczak Bowl XII has been postponed indefinitely. We hope to reschedule for sometime late summer/early fall.

Yes, we're at The Venue at 285 Main Street, Dubuque, IA 52001. It's the same place you guys came to a couple years ago.

Second step would be growing biceps and forearms that are larger than your shoulders. Good lord, look at those!

We have some fun prizes to give away this year. Like last year we will offer them up in a series of challenges. Mike Tomczak Challenge Objective: Win as the Bears with Tomczak as your leading passer. Prize: Autographed 8x10 Tomczak photo Bonus: $20 added if you win with Tomczak as leading rusher. Jim Jensen Challenge Objective: Win as the Dolphins with Jim Jensen as your leading receiver. Prize: Jim Jensen autograph card Bonus: $20 added if you win and Jensen leads your team with 100+ yards receiving. Chadwick-Skansi Challenge Objective: Win as the Seahawks. Prize: Old school Seahawks coffee mug Bonus: $20 added if you win as Seahawks with either Jeff Chadwick or Paul Skansi as your leading receiver. All challenges must be completed in an official tourney match in order to qualify. No side games.

Alright we got 18 registered so I figured it was high time I actually get a bracket going. https://challonge.com/tomczak12 This will be an ongoing updated bracket as more folks sign up (and drop out). Nothing is set in stone until we officially begin play the day of the tournament.

Registration is now open! http://bit.ly/tomczak12 to sign up and reserve your spot today.

I'll be anyone's doubles partner if they don't mind being incredibly handicapped by having me as a doubles partner.

He like a da juice!

Back for its 12th god damn year, it's everyone's favorite sweaty, beer-soaked, low-rent Tecmo tournament! Tomczak Bowl is a double elimination tourney that has featured some of the best players the Midwest has to offer. Do you have what it takes to win the Tomczak and wear the glorious Champion blazer? If you suck that's ok, because all two-and-out competitors automatically qualify for the Peter Tom Willis Cup, America's favorite janky single elimination loser tournament. It's like fifth quarter basketball for all the fat uncoordinated kids. Aside from cash prizes for the top finishers, we'll be sure to have some other prizes that we'll give away in various challenges. It may not be an autographed jersey, but I can assure you, no expense was spared in acquiring our trash finds from eBay or Goodwill. WHAT: Tomczak Bowl XI WHEN: Saturday, March 21, 2020 Postponed Indefinitely WHERE: The Venue, 285 Main Street, Dubuque, IA 52001 Buy-In: $20 Registration: http://bit.ly/tomczak12 Rules: http://tomczakbowl.com/rules/ Format: TBD Prizes: Cash prizes to top 3 finishers. Trophy and coveted Tomczak Champion Blazer to winner. Live Stream: ‪https://www.twitch.tv/tomczakbowl Website: http://tomczakbowl.com Live Bracket:http://challonge.com/tomczak12 REGISTERED PARTICIPANTS

Then arrive in Fargo at 3am.

This is just under 9 months away. Plenty of time for planning. It would be awesome if some new regions could experience the experience. PNW? Ohio? Michigan? You guys need to work on getting a group together to come to this.

I'm in Chicago that weekend for a concert but I wish all you guys the best of luck. This is a fun tourney to play in.

Some day I'll write the rest.

Enough

It's been 13 days since Burning Mort and I now finally feel recovered. Allow me to rehash the "highlights" to the best of my knowledge. 9 Hours. That's how long it took me to drive solo to Fargo on that Friday. I do NOT recommend this. Use the buddy system. Much easier to have a friend jerk you off so you can keep both hands on the wheel. Shout out to the Country Inn & Suites for the completely adequate hotel room. A mild step up from the Fargo Inn across the highway. Pixeled Brewery and Arcade brought together two of my favorite things. Fresh craft beer and old arcade games. A lot of childhood memories came rushing back. Notably that Burgertime and Centipede kick fucking ass, and Zaxxon is tough as balls to play. 40 oz. of Colt 45 at Pounds will never not be a great idea. Friday Night MVP: SammieSmith's rainbow karaoke microphone. It stole the show, and even stole away some girlfriends from grumpy dudes. Maybe get your own karaoke mic next time fellas! The Nepalese guys playing pool that took our shirtless photo that had no clue what was going on but were excited anyway. The screams of joy when SammieSmith Hulkamania ripped his undershirt off was amazing. "OH YOU GUYS SEXY!" SammieSmith would later try to kidnap one of them to take to Burning Mort with us. The Uber back to the hotel where SammieSmith proceeds to annoy our driver by playing the "YOU LIKE A DA JUICE!" sketch on his phone at top volume and holding it by the driver's head. I gave him a handsome tip for his troubles and didn't bother telling him he dropped us off at the wrong hotel (ours was across the street). Back at the hotel it's 3am and Sega says "LET'S PLAY A FULL SEASON OF TECMO TONIGHT!" He falls asleep roughly 30 minutes later. Sleeping Sega is submitted to an impromptu photo shoot featuring his face, my ass, and SammieSmith's balls. Killing time on Saturday before heading out to the hallowed grounds, we stop at Fargo's mall. Apparently no one up there got the memo that malls died 6 years ago because holy shit. I felt like I stepped back in time with how busy and full of actual stores that place was. We went to Big Nick's Card Shop which is very appropriately in the basement of the mall. Big Nick seems to have a lot of garbage and a functional price gun and thus created a store for it all. Heading out to the Mortlands I drive through the first of the rainstorms for the day. I stop in Casselton for gas and see this place across the street: That place looks amazing. I wanna drink there next time. (to be continued...)

Here’s more photos from the weekend.

Sometimes Burning Mort will eat its young. My tribe couldn't handle The Conjurer's madness and quit, leaving Beef Tribe a one man army. But then a brave warrior appeared. He called himself "Tucker" and fought with pride. Alas, Beef Tribe would win no points. The Conjurer kindly gave us 5 points so we did not leave the sacred ground complete losers, just mostly losers.