The Draft: A Tecmo Super Bowl story
By Rodney Rigoli
Bob Costas: Hello, we are coming to you live from Madison Square Garden for the first ever Tecmo Super Bowl draft. I’m Bob Costas, and I am honored to be here with legendary sportscaster Howard Cosell.
Howard: Why, thank you, Bob. It’s great to be here.
Bob: I’m really looking forward to being in the booth with you this season, Howard.
Howard: Well, we’re not there yet, Bob, we have to get through the draft first.
Bob: I know, Howard, you know what I meant.
Howard: I’m just telling it like it is.
Bob: Okay, let’s get on with the draft. So, folks, what we’re doing here is for the first time ever, after playing the same season with the same players over and over, the Tecmo Super Bowl teams have agreed to start over and have a draft. Every team is starting with no one, and we are going to have a 30 round draft of the original TSB players until every position is filled.
Howard: That’s right, Bob. Now, the order of the draft has been predetermined, but it is completely random.
Bob: Yes, it was a lottery with all teams having an equal chance of being picked.
Howard: It is complete chance that Philadelphia is the first team to pick, followed by the 49ers. This is not rigged at all.
Bob: Take it easy there, Howard. Now, in addition to the draft, all the Tecmo teams have decided to hire celebrity head coaches, and the coaches are going to draft the players. I’m not sure how strategic that is, but it’s going to be fun. Now, the Eagles have hired Philadelphia’s own Rocky Balboa to be their head coach. So, without any further ado, we now go live to the Philadelphia booth, with Eagles head coach Rocky Balboa.
Rocky: Yo, Paulie, what’s this QB Eagles?
Paulie: That was the QB for the Tecmo team, Rock, come on.
Rocky: What kind of name is QB Eagles?
Paulie: It’s a legal thing, Rock, come on, now.
Rocky: What do you mean, a legal thing? Wait, 56 MS? That’s Randy Cunningham, I recognize that speed anywhere. I know him, Paulie, we’re friends. Randy, get your ass over here, you’re our first pick.
Paulie: Rock, you can’t say his name because of the NFLPA.
Rocky: What? NFLP- What are you talking about, Paulie? Randall Cunn-
Paulie: Rock, the lawyers. The Philadelphia Eagles select QB Eagles with the first pick.
Randall Cunningham: Hey Rocky, what’s going on, my man?
Rocky: I hate lawyers. They took my house.
Bob: Okay, let’s go to the second pick. The San Francisco 49ers have hired- wait, this can’t be right. Is that, Yosemite Sam? As their head coach?
Sam: Yer darn right. I’m the hootin’est, tootin’est, shootin’est bob-tail wildcat in Tecmo! And I’m taking the coolest, flashiest, gunslinging’est QB to ever throw a football in all of Tecmo, none other than Joe Cool himself, Joe Montana, to lead my team.
Howard: There you are, Bob. Let’s go now to the third pick of the draft, held by the Houston Oilers. Houston’s head coach is one of the favorite sons of Texas, none other than Hank Hill. We’ll see if he can be King of Tecmo.
Bob: I understand Hank interviewed to lead the Dallas Cowboys, but they went with Willie Nelson instead.
Hank: And I’m still ticked off about that. I don’t know why the HECK my beloved Cowboys hired that dirty hippy, but they’re going to regret it, I’ll tell you what.
Bob: Settle down there, Hank. Who do you want to draft first?
Hank: I know a thing or two about football, and I know that Warren Moon fella has been a great QB for Houston. I’m going to bring him on home with my first pick.
Howard: Thank you, Hank Hill.
Bob: And now we go to the booth of the Buffalo Bills, who have hired Bills Mafia - godfather, as he is known, Del Reid to be the head coach of their Tecmo team.
Del Reid: This was an exciting time in Bills history, before the disappointment of the four Super Bowl losses. This was right as the team was getting good. The Bills Mafia had a hard time deciding who is the greatest overall Bill from the TSB team. It was between Thurmal and Kelly-
Bob: QB Bills.
Del: Right, sorry. Ultimately the consensus seemed to be QB Bills, so that’s who we’re going with.
Bob: Thank you, Del. Let’s go to the fifth pick. The Los Angeles Raiders have re-hired John Madden to be their head coach.
John Madden: 75 MS? That’s faster than anything in my game. We take Bo Jackson. Boom! Pick made.
Bob: Thanks, John. Let’s go to the sixth pick with Detroit Lions head coach Marshall Mathers, better known as Eminem.
Eminem: Can I just say, Bo having 75 MS over Barry is bullshit. Barry did things Bo wished he could do, with that busted hip. Barry has better hands anyway, he’ll catch it and go. Being behind that Lions line would have crushed Bo.
Howard: I believe he selected Barry Sanders?
Bob: Yes, let’s move on to the seventh pick.
Howard: The Chicago Bears have the seventh pick, and they hired Superfan Bill Swerski as their head coach.
Bob Swerski: Bob Swerski here, Howard. My brudder Bill couldn’t be here. He had anudder heart attack.
Pat Arnold: I don’t know what we’re doing here, anyway. Where da hell is Ditka? If da Bears were gonna hire a celebrity head coach, why wasn’t it Ditka?
Bob Swerski: Well, Ditka was probably banned from coaching because it wouldn’t be fair for the other teams.
Pat Arnold: That makes sense.
Bob Costas: Alright, alright. Who do you guys pick?
Bob Swerski: We’ll take da best player da Tecmo Bears had ta begin wit’, Bob - Neal Anderson.
Bob Costas: Thank you, Bob.
Bob Swerski: Anytime, Bob.
Howard: If you Bobs are done. We go now to the eighth pick with the Denver Broncos, who have hired Denver native and lifelong Broncos fan Don Cheadle to be their head coach.
Bob Costas: Don Cheadle, what a pleasure. I’m a longtime fan, how are you, Don?
Don: Thanks Bob, I’m doing great, and I am a fan of you, as well. Both of you, really. I’m just, so amazed I get to be a coach in a league where one of my idols, John Elway, is a player. I just wish Tecmo gave him higher PC, I can’t take him in the first round with that rating. So I’ll just take the great Broncos RB Bobby Humphrey.
Howard: I can tell you without looking the next team is San Diego, because if Humphrey got drafted, Marion Butts is going next.
Howard: Just telling it like it is. Not rigged at all.
Bob: The ninth pick of the draft is indeed held by San Diego. The Chargers have had trouble filling stadiums for years, so I imagine they didn’t have a lot of options for a coach for this draft. But they have settled on actor Mario Lopez of Saved By The Bell fame. Mario is a San Diego native, and has continued to follow the Bolts after the recent move to L.A.
Mario Lopez: That’s right, Bob, but it’s great to be back with the San Diego version of the team. I will definitely take Marion Butts with my first pick, I remember he was a beast for the Bolts on Tecmo Super Bowl.
Howard: Now we come to the Phoenix Cardinals. The Cardinals had an interesting problem because of their name. Every time they thought they found a celebrity to hire, it turned out the person was a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. So finally they said to hell with it, and they just dug up Jimmy Conzelman, who was the head coach the last time the team won the championship in 1947.
Bob: They were the Chicago Cardinals then.
Howard: That’s right, Bob.
Jimmy: What year is it?
Bob: Nevermind that now, Jimmy. You have the tenth pick of the draft.
Jimmy: I don’t know who any of these people are.
Bob: Well, you know athletes, and we’ve provided every owner with a database of the player ratings. It should be on the machines in the booth there.
Jimmy: Okay… Well, this Thurmal Thomas that the Bills Mafia guy was talking about looks pretty good. He’s the fastest RB left, and he can catch, too. I’ll take him.
Howard: Well, that’s a pretty smart pick for a guy who’s been dead since 1970, wouldn’t you say, Bob?
Bob: Sure, Howard. Let’s go to the 11th pick. This next head coach is a real New York pick in that he doesn’t really have anything to do with New York. Much like the Jets now play in New Jersey. It’s a hire that says, look who we can get. Allow me to introduce the New York Jets head coach, Chuck Norris.
Chuck: I want Tim Tebow.
Bob: Tebow isn’t in this draft, Chuck.
Chuck: Tim Tebow's history as a proven winner should not be ignored. He did mount multiple fourth-quarter comebacks and notch four overtime victories; he did rush for 118 yards and throw for two touchdowns in one game; he did complete 66 percent of his passes and throw for two touchdowns in another.
Bob: Chuck, this is a draft of Tecmo Super Bowl players from 1990. Tim Tebow was 3-years-old. You have to pick one of the players on the list.
Chuck: Can I have 3-year-old Tim Tebow?
Bob and Howard together: NO!
Chuck: Jerry Rice.
Bob: That… will be fine. That’s actually a pretty decent pick.
Howard: Next is the 12th pick, and you know, I tell ya, some of these younger teams, they don’t have quite the history to draw on. This is another one of those head coach hires that seems like he is more suited to be mascot, but the Cincinnati Bengals have hired Tony the Tiger. I hesitate to give you such an obvious setup line, Tony, but might as well get it over with. How are you?
Tony: I’m grrrrrrrrreat!
Howard: Glad to hear it, Tony, now who do you want to draft?
Tony: I rrrrrreally like the fact that David Fulcher has made appearances at Tecmo Super Bowl tournaments. I think that’s grrrrrreat. I think David is grrrrrreat. I think Tecmo is grrrrrreat. So with the 12th pick of the draft, us Bengals select David Fulcher.
Bob: Is he growling?
Howard: I don’t know, Bob, tell us who has the next pick before he eats someone.
Bob: Oh, this is cute. You’re going to like this, Howard. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have the 13th pick of the draft, and their head coach is, of course, Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jack: Yes, the Black Pearl has found a home in the fine Bay of Tampa. I have to be honest, I don’t know much about this sport of football that you play in this time period, but I like what I’ve seen so far. And what better player for a pirate to draft into his crew than one as skilled at stealing passes as Tecmo Buccaneer Wayne Haddix.
Howard: Thank you, Mr. Sparrow, what a hoot you are. Now we are going to have our second rapper of the draft, Snoop Dogg is the head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who else, and they have the 14th pick of the draft.
Snoop: I know it’s Tecmo, everyone wants the flashy RB or whatever, but I still think defense wins championships. I loved Mean Joe Greene. I loved Donnie Shell, I loved Jack Lambert, I loved Jack Ham. So knowing that, who do you think my first round pick for the Tecmo Pittsburgh Steelers is, Howard?
Howard: I would have to guess Rod Woodson.
Bob: I have good news, Howard. We’re halfway through the first round.
Howard: That’s all?
Bob: The 15th pick is held by the Green Bay Packers. Who else would you expect the Packers to hire, or I should say re-hire, than the winner of the first two Super Bowls ever played, the great Vince Lombardi.
Lombardi: It’s nice they named the trophy after me.
Bob: Who would you like to draft, Mr. Lombardi?
Lombardi: My young flamboyant friend is quite correct about defenses winning championships. To that end, although in this Tecmo game he does not appear to be a great cover man, I’ll select Ronnie Lott.
Snoop: Nice choice, Mr. Lombardi.
Lombardi: Thank you, Mr. Dogg.
Snoop: Call me Snoop.
Lombardi: Call me Vince.
Howard: Thank you, Vince. Now let’s move on to the next pick. This is another hometown hero hire. The new head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, who led the Wichita State Shockers to a Division II NCAA championship, is Ted Lasso. Ted, you have the 16th pick.
Ted: Thanks, Howard, so thrilled to be coaching the Chiefs in this new Tecmo league. I loved the Chiefs growing up, I loved playing Tecmo Super Bowl and popcorning everyone with Okoye. I think he’ll last until the second round, though. I’m going to follow in the footsteps of the great Vince Lombardi and Snoop Dogg with the defense, and grab the fastest man in football, Deion Sanders.
Bob: Nice selection, Ted. Next is another one of those teams that hired someone who should be a mascot rather than a head coach, and I’m not even sure how this is going to work, but we’re going to be hearing now from Flipper of the Miami Dolphins with the 17th pick.
Bob: Oh lord.
Howard: How are we going to do this? Can anyone speak dolphin?
Howard: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it’s singer Prince, the Minnesota Vikings head coach.
Prince: I can translate the dolphin.
Prince: Oooh-eee. He wants Dan Marino. He also says all of you passing up these great QBs that are about to fly off the board are a bunch of suckers.
Bob: A trash talking dolphin. What do you think, Howard?
Howard: I like it. We move on to the 18th pick, held by the Cleveland Browns. Their head coach is- oh no.
Bob: Who is it?
Elka Ostrosky: Hello Howard, dear, how are you? Have you recovered since you last visited me in Cleveland? Sorry about that.
Howard: Ahem, yes, quite. Elka, who do you want to draft?
Elka: Mr. QB Browns, you have quite the physique.
QB Browns: Thank you, ma’am.
Elka: If I draft you, will you let me squeeze your chest?
QB Browns: …sure.
Elka: I pick him.
Bob: Great way to draft a team, Ms. Ostrosky.
Elka: You’re even cuter in person, Bob.
Bob: Thank you. Howard, who has the 19th pick?
Howard: It’s the New York Football Giants, with another big time New York celebrity hire. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Mr. T!
Mr. T: Mr. T is drafting LT first. I don't care who my QB is, I don't care who my RB is, T 'N' T are going to blow up this league.
Howard: You won’t get any argument from me. Oh, heh, I like this. The Washington Redskins have hired the head coach of the replacement players for the Washington Sentinels, Jimmy McGinty, which were based on the 1987 Redskins.
Bob: Art imitating life… imitating art, or something.
Howard: Or something. Jimmy, you’re up with the 20th pick.
Jimmy McGinty: I love the idea of this draft, because I love the idea of having total control of my team. I can recruit anybody that I want, no interference. With that in mind, I’m going to make what may seem to some an unconventional first round pick. I’m going to do this my way. With the 20th pick of the Tecmo Super Bowl draft, the Washington Redskins select the other fastest man in football, Darrell Green.
Bob: Thanks, Jimmy. Well, this next head coach hire makes a lot more sense than some of the ones we’ve seen. The New England Patriots have tasked multi-award winning actor and superfan Ben Affleck with leading their Tecmo team. Ben, you have the 21st pick.
Ben Affleck: Thanks Bob. Look, everyone knows I’m a huge Tom Brady fan, I would love to take a great QB to start this team. But I look at the players still in this draft, and I think if you don’t recognize that Derrick Thomas is the fastest defensive player left, and that defenses win championships, you’re not qualified to talk about sports. I pick Derrick Thomas.
Howard: Thank you, Mr. Aff-lack. The New Orleans Saints have the 22nd pick, and I really appreciate who they hired as their head coach. Before Drew Brees came along, this man might have been the best QB the Saints ever had. The Saints teams he led were never able to find success, so it is nice that he has the chance to start over here. It is my great pleasure to introduce Mr. Archie Manning.
Archie: Thank you, Mr. Cosell. Even though I’m a QB, I’m another coach from the old school who appreciates a good defense. With the 22nd pick, the New Orleans Saints select the best defensive lineman in all of Tecmo, Bruce Smith.
Bob: Interesting selection, Archie. And now we return to the booth of the Minnesota Vikings, with his highness The Purple One, Prince. Thanks for helping us out with Flipper before, Prince. You have the 23rd pick.
Prince: You’re welcome, Bob. Look, defenses are great and all, I appreciate a hard hit as much as anyone. But everyone’s passing up all these 56 MS RBs. That’s right, I’ve played Tecmo. I’ll take James Brooks, OOH-ee-ee.
Hank Hill: That boy ain’t right.
Bob: Did he just call Prince boy?
Howard: Let’s not start down that road, we’ll end up with another Alvin Garrett situation. Moving on to the 24th pick. Oh, Bob, I’ve been looking forward to this one since I heard you mention his name back when we were talking to Hank Hill. Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now from the booth of the Dallas Cowboys, it’s Willie Nelson!
Willie: I was already talking to Michael Irvin earlier. We were comparing prescription pads. But he wasn’t the star of the Tecmo Cowboys, Emmitt Smith was, so that’s who my first pick is.
Howard: Thank you, Willie. Will you be able to perform for us later on when we take a break?
Willie: It would be my pleasure, Howard.
Howard: Excellent. Who’s next, Bob?
Bob: The L.A. Rams have the 25th pick. The Rams have a really interesting head coach, Howard. I don’t know what version of reality, or what universe this guy comes from, but somehow, Biff Tannen has come back from the future with enough money to buy the Tecmo division of the L.A. Rams outright. He is now not only the owner, but he has installed himself as head coach.
Biff: That’s right, Bob. Look, I came back from the future, I made like a zillion dollars, nothing’s a challenge for me anymore. I saw this little draft happening and I had to get in on it. Everyone starting from scratch, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen.
Bob: No one cares, Biff. Who do you select?
Biff: Listen, butthead, you will show me the respect I deserve.
Howard: Oh, you don’t want us to do that.
Biff: That’s right!
Howard: Who do you draft, sir?
Biff: You know, I look at this little David Meggett guy, he’s tough for a little guy. I like his character. I’m going to take him.
Bob: He likes the character of the multiple sex offender.
Howard: Way to tell it like it is, Bob.
Bob: Let’s move on to the 26th pick. The Indianapolis Colts have hired Indiana native and lifelong Colts fan David Letterman to lead them. David, good to see you, I’ve been on your show many times.
Letterman: Good to see you, Bob. How you doing, Howie?
Howard: Hello, David.
Letterman: This old Colts team didn’t have a lot, did they, ah-heh-heh. Where’s Eric, though? Eric Dickerson should have been on this team. Ah well, who’s left? Give me Marcus Allen.
Bob: Done. And now we come to the penultimate pick of the first round.
Bob: The second-to-last pick, Howard, number 27. Who is it?
Howard: We have the Atlanta Falcons. Their new head coach is the dirty bird himself, Morehouse graduate Samuel L. Jackson. What do you plan to do, Mr. Jackson?
Samuel L. Jackson: Rise up, motherfucker.
Howard: What did he say to me?
Bob: Who do you want to pick, Sam?
Sam: That wuss of a soccer coach already took Deion, so let me go for a RB. Mel Gray is good enough to be a starter in this league, I’ll take him.
Bob: Thanks, Sam. The Seattle Seahawks have the 28th and final selection of the first round. I don’t know if we’ve mentioned it yet, but we are doing a snake draft, so Seattle will also have the first pick of the second round. Making the draft selections for the Seahawks is Seattle area band Pearl Jam. Now, is the entire band the head coach, how do you guys plan to move forward?
Eddie Vedder: We’re here for charity, Bob, the coaching thing will work itself out. We’re already working with the Seahawks and Ames Bros to sell Pearl Jam Seahawks gear. Now we’re going to be performing a charity concert during draft weekend to continue the fight to end hunger. Prince, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, and even Willie Nelson will be joining us, it’s going to be a great show.
Bob: That’s great, Eddie. Now, what player do you want?
Eddie: We’ll make Seahawks QB Dave Krieg our first round pick, then take Johnny Bailey for the first pick of the second round.
Howard: Those are some astute selections for a rock star, I must say, well done.
Eddie: Thanks, Howard.
Bob: Well, that’s it for the first round of the first ever Tecmo Super Bowl draft. We’re going to take a short break before we continue with round 2, and later in the broadcast, join us for the charity concert that Eddie Vedder just alluded to. Stay tuned.
*** END OF ROUND 1 ***