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North Dakota - Burning Mort - The Tecmo Premier Experience

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It's been 13 days since Burning Mort and I now finally feel recovered. Allow me to rehash the "highlights" to the best of my knowledge.

  • 9 Hours. That's how long it took me to drive solo to Fargo on that Friday. I do NOT recommend this. Use the buddy system. Much easier to have a friend jerk you off so you can keep both hands on the wheel.
  • Shout out to the Country Inn & Suites for the completely adequate hotel room. A mild step up from the Fargo Inn across the highway.
  • Pixeled Brewery and Arcade brought together two of my favorite things. Fresh craft beer and old arcade games. A lot of childhood memories came rushing back. Notably that Burgertime and Centipede kick fucking ass, and Zaxxon is tough as balls to play.
  • 40 oz. of Colt 45 at Pounds will never not be a great idea.
  • Friday Night MVP: SammieSmith's rainbow karaoke microphone. It stole the show, and even stole away some girlfriends from grumpy dudes. Maybe get your own karaoke mic next time fellas!
  • The Nepalese guys playing pool that took our shirtless photo that had no clue what was going on but were excited anyway. The screams of joy when SammieSmith Hulkamania ripped his undershirt off was amazing. "OH YOU GUYS SEXY!" SammieSmith would later try to kidnap one of them to take to Burning Mort with us.
  • The Uber back to the hotel where SammieSmith proceeds to annoy our driver by playing the "YOU LIKE A DA JUICE!" sketch on his phone at top volume and holding it by the driver's head. I gave him a handsome tip for his troubles and didn't bother telling him he dropped us off at the wrong hotel (ours was across the street).
  • Back at the hotel it's 3am and Sega says "LET'S PLAY A FULL SEASON OF TECMO TONIGHT!" He falls asleep roughly 30 minutes later.
  • Sleeping Sega is submitted to an impromptu photo shoot featuring his face, my ass, and SammieSmith's balls.
  • Killing time on Saturday before heading out to the hallowed grounds, we stop at Fargo's mall. Apparently no one up there got the memo that malls died 6 years ago because holy shit. I felt like I stepped back in time with how busy and full of actual stores that place was. We went to Big Nick's Card Shop which is very appropriately in the basement of the mall. Big Nick seems to have a lot of garbage and a functional price gun and thus created a store for it all.
  • Heading out to the Mortlands I drive through the first of the rainstorms for the day. I stop in Casselton for gas and see this place across the street:1083751607_capture(7).thumb.png.130074269d3321152be44d7af1075eab.png
  • That place looks amazing. I wanna drink there next time.

(to be continued...)



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I really can't say enough about the people that came from all over to this ridiculous thing. I would take a grazing bullet to the calf for all the people that finished BM, even @ImFlo. However, the real heroes are the Conjurer (there is only one), the band Low Speed Chase, and my amazing Mom, who made 25 lbs. of pulled pork that was completely gone by sunrise.



Beef had his chance to change his moniker to another type of animal flesh, but he stayed with the red meat.


@Beef Juice was my player hero of Burning Mort. That 40-year-old man traveled by car solo from Iowa, embraced the experience both days, had his teammates quit because they couldn't handle the copious amounts of drink, then continued to soldier on through every round with vigor. True BM competitor. 


There are shimmering moments for each and every person that came to the experience. I'd like to share a few of the phrases or action items from people at BM that I jotted down the days after. These may or may not be exact, but pretty sure my mind was lucid as could be. 

  • @Leonardite, after BM commenced and looking at the effigy -- "I mean, don't you think we should burn the cock?"
  • Beef Juice, after his teammates ghosted him after round 2 -- "Beef for one?"
  • @segathonsov, after the NBA Jam Cabinet was revealed in the enclosed trailer throws his arms in the air and states, "How do they know my dreams before I do?" 
  • Josh 2.0, when playing the final round to bring home the BM championship -- "Fuck this fucking dildo, man. I mean, seriously. Fuck this thing."
  • @averagetsbplayer, arrived completely drunk off the plane from wherever he was coming in from to meet us the night before BM, then asking randoms in the street at 2am -- "Hey you. Is it pronounced FarGO, or FarJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
  • Flo, during the 4 hours of setup time it took for the BM crew to get ready, painted some "happy little trophies" sitting next to the beer kegs while the breeze blew through his hair. Those trophies are the shit, by the way. Then, after the final ceremonies and yours truly taking home two of the trophies, he stated, "You selfish prick."
  • The Conjurer, after eating his 8th pork sandwich, "This pork fucks."
  • Tucker came in after another engagement to join the experience in the afternoon, autojoined Team Beef, then started to drink heavily. After the closing ceremonies he states, "Now let's get drunk!"
  • @DionBoespflug, when looking at the 12 different types of fruit phalli before BM grabs one and says, "This is a nice, earthy dick."
  • @SammieSmith33, coined the PCB (People's Champ's Brother) at BM, deserves every accolade in the book. His gymnastic/Russian hybrid high-kicks during LSC were inspiring. During the blindfold round, he got real close and whispered soft, sweet nothings into my ear while I was playing, one time saying, "Right in the A works every time."
  • @sonofpatbeach, during the Mortgasm round, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Get ready! I can feel one coming on!"

Burning Mort week is like Christmas, Chanukah, Chinese New Year, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa and Bodhi Day wrapped into one.


I'm so very excited for BMIV. There are still some tricks left that we haven't performed and some themes yet to unearth. We can only hope they please the Conjurer.

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10 hours ago, Knobbe said:

For 12 hours i thought i was going here. I was blocked, once again by the same child who once caused me to miss Tecmo Madison by being born.


Should have brought the kid with.

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