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1988 Los Angeles Express -- PRESS ROOM

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Twitter: @gomanyo360 (#1988LAExpress)


Owner / GM: Manyo


Head Coach: Hannibal


Offensive Coor.: Alex P. Keaton

QB Coach / Asst. HC: Face

RB Coach: John McClane

WR Coach: Kevin Arnold

TE Coach: Theo Huxtable

OL Coach: Roseanne


Defensive Coor.: MacGyver

DL Coach: Mr. T

LB Coach: John Rambo

DB Coach: "The Bandit" Burt Reynolds


Special Teams Coor.: Beetlejuice

Edited by manyo360

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LOS ANGELES---Michael Dukakis threw a sissy fit here today when he heard he’d been bumped from a planned presidential rally at the LA Coliseum..... but the rest of Los Angeles gave zero fucks for that loser upon hearing the jubilant news that MANYO had returned as owner and general manager of the wildly popular USFL team, the Los Angeles Express!  Blacks, whites, browns, Asians, trannies, junkies, pampered poodles and starry harlots… all of them, the whole goddamn city, poured out of their ghettos, projects, barrios, suburban prisons and opulent mansions today to unite as one in euphoric affirmation of the man, the legend, their LIBERTADOR… Bolivar Manyo.  Viva!


And so it was, that before an overflowing capacity-plus crowd, many of them weeping for joy and stamping their feet in wild ecstasy at the spectacle of it all, that Manyo stepped out onto the stage and gave such an inspiring speech I honestly can’t even remember the words of it.  He’s like a drug, that one… WOWOWA!


So, anyway… Manyo also presented the new coaching staff for the Express, all of whom are locals, many from Hollywood.  Here they are, with commentary:


Head Coach: Hannibal

No punches pulled in this move.  Sent to prison for a crime they claim they did not commit, and then escaping from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground… and still wanted today by the government, and surviving up to this point as soldiers of fortune… and now hired to do the same in the USFL… ???  Fuckin’ brilliant move, Manyo.  In fact, upon hearing of his hiring (and the rest of his crack commando team as assistants), the governor gave a complete pardon to the A-Team, SO LONG AS… they bring home that mutha-fuckin USFL championship, yo!  So, Hannibal, how’s that hot seat doing?  Do you think you can handle such pressure?  Yeah, you know what… I think he can.  Expect the plan to come together for the Express this season.



Offensive Coordinator: Alex P. Keaton

In what can only be described as a wildly unorthodox move, young intellectual wunderkind Coach Keaton is expected to bring an analytical and conservative approach to the offense… then again, with no real track record to speak of on his part, we really don’t know what to expect out of the Express offense this season.  Can’t wait to find out!



QB Coach / Assistant Head Coach: Face

Coach Face will make sure the QB is well-prepared and, perhaps more importantly, looking good, before he takes the field this season.



RB Coach: John McClane

Yippie ki ya, motherfuckers!  Looks like Manyo might be setting up for a gritty, bruising running game with this hire.



WR Coach: Kevin Arnold

Hmm, looks like an attempt to catch magic in a bottle here… or catch Winnie with her guard down, not sure what Manyo’s thinking is here.



TE Coach: Theo Huxtable

This kid has height, that’s for sure… or maybe it’s just the hair.  Looks like the focus this year season will be on versatile athletic tight ends.



OL Coach: Roseanne

Where’s the beef?  Right here, yo.  If you can hear a piano fall, you can hear Roseanne coming down the hall.  And if anyone is up to the task of bringing together a bunch of big, nasty hogs and synchronizing their movements into a mechanized opera of savage unquenchable violence…… it’s this woman right here.


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AND THEN..... behold The Man, The Manyo, The Maestro of Madness....... feet pirouetting, hands dovetailing, soul-crescendoing the crowd to the very apex of tecmo bliss unhinged....... offensive coaches unveiled, all standing there smiling broadly, confidently into the ecstatic din........ EVERYONE, and I mean everyone now jacked up beyond recognition to kickoff right then and there and commence the ass-kicking supreme that will be the 1988 LA Express........... and then, I say, AND THEN.................... **the lights went out**


They say the greatest artists--musicians, painters, novelists, porno directors, russell wilson, et all........ they say their greatest brushstrokes are the ones they don't make, that their SILENCES breath with more meaning than what they actually say, or do............. and so it was, that in those few seconds after the lights went out, with the Coliseum lit only by the pale glow of the surrounding megalopolis that never sleeps, this beatific City of Angels, in those few breathless and yet eternal moments of darkness, it was as if our frenzied fervor of just a moment ago, our collectively rabid energy, sort of just........ GRADUATED...... and became something else.   It's hard to say what.  Forgive me dear reader, and do not take me for your avg dimestore hippie when I say that it was at that precise moment, a moment more pregnant with possibility and meaning than that which preceded the big bang even, I've got to imagine..... it was then, that within and amongst all those in attendance that day and night...... a new Consciousness was born.


and as we slowly adjusted to our new way of Seeing, we collectively became aware of a helicoptor, wrapped brighly in christmas lights and a phosphorecent LA Express logo, as it made an eternally slow and strangely silent descent into the heart of the Coliseum, into the now softly glowing heart of all that is positive in the karmic universe, is what it felt like......... and just at the moment it touched down next to Manyo on the Coliseum floor, BOOM! the lights snapped on, and we all of us snapped back into our earthly senses, and then tje thought occurred.......... oh yeah, the defensive coaches!


Manyo introduced them one-by-one as they ran out of the helicoptor to the jubilant cries of the Express faithful.  Here they are, with commentary:


Defensive Coordinator: MacGyver


Wow, GL USFL offenses!!!  Unbelievable that Manyo was able to coax him into service.  This guy doesn't need much to work with..... give him a 44 rp DB or LB, a few 38 rp drones here and there, some tree sap, a mini blow torch and next thing you know........ boom, CHAMPIONSHIP DEFENSE!  Sucka free.




Defensive Line Coach: Mr. T


Not unexpected, this one..... you'd probably figure he'd be around the team, given Hannibal as the head coach.  Expect a stout and nasty d-line that pities no fools on the field, while high-stylin' and profilin' off of it in 1988.  The only question mark here is..... what if the Express need to fly to their away games?  Will Mr. T be able to overcome his fear of flying to coach his DL away from Los Angeles?  We shall see.  SIDENOTE: Mr. T is the distant cousin of Mr. X, the Express head coach from 1986.  When asked about his cousin on his way out of the stadium, Mr. T stopped, turned slowly toward the reporter in question, and wilted that geek's jelly knees with a menacing glare and growl before he filed into his black unmarked van and peeled out of the parking lot.




Linebacker Coach: John Rambo


Not much is known about this guy, but he sure looks the part of an LB coach.  Not too rah-rah, looks a little sullen, but I wouldn't fuck with him that's for sure.  I'm guessing he's a good one, though, for everyone knows Manyo loves his LBs, and wouldn't turn them over to just anyone.  A quick search on wikipedia later found nothing on the man, but did unearth a little family history: "The term "Rambo" is used commonly to describe a person who is reckless, disregards orders, using violence to solve all problems, and being exceptionally tough and aggressive."  Fuckin A, man.




Defensive Backs Coach: Burt Reynolds


Ah, the "Bandit" his own bad self on the back end!!!  Makes perfect sense.  His moustache alone will outwork everyone on this team.




Special Teams Coordinator: Beetlejuice


Kinda strange, when Manyo introduced his special sauce coach, he had the crowd chant his name three times before POOF! there he was on the 50 yard line.  Cool trick.  Not much known on this guy yet, but we'll find out I'm sure.




Well, that wraps up the coaching staff intros........ got some interview requests in for Manyo and/or some of the coaches, want to ask them about the upcoming season, some of their draft plans, just how kinky is the los angeles underground, etc....... COMING SOON!

Edited by manyo360

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LA Express announce today that several members of the newly drafted LA Express have undergone facial reconstruction surgery courtesy of the team's vast stable of plastic surgeons.




QB Steve "Hollywood Steverino" Young




RB Tim C. "Spaceman" Spencer




WR Alphonso "Gonzo" Williams




WR Leonard "The Easter Bunny" Harris




TE Raymond Chester "The DB Molester"




LB Sam "Mad Dog" Mills




LB Herb "Special Sauce" Spencer




DB Marcus "Quagmire" Quinn




DB Luther "The Truth" Bradley




Biographies and interviews of your 1988 LA Express COMING SOON!!!

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