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Mike Gordan

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  1. WEEK 7 Predictions

    Okay, what the fuck is going on with the Cowboys!? Are you meaning to tell me that the NFL is going to make sure that the Cowboys have as big an uphill battle as possible by delaying the innevitable. What do you mean, "temperary restraining order!?" Why does that mean that Ezekiel Elliott will be allowed to play? Well, be as it may, I still think the 49ers will get their first win sooner or later. It's just that their so-called easy win will now be a harder team to gauge. Still, if they can remain competitive against the likes of the Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals, Colts, and Redskins, then chances are, they're going to get a win in sooner or later. I predict that this week will finally be their time to shine!
  2. WEEK 7 Predictions

    Thursday Night Football pick: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Oakland Raiders: Suddenly, the arrival of Marshawn Lynch feels more like a mistake. And Derek Carr's premature return from injury seems like a mistake made out of desperation rather than because Carr was ready to play. Both teams have came off of some tough losses. But to restore a bit of perspective, I may have to pick the Chiefs to win this game. Maybe. They're clearly a better football team. But the Raiders have also dug themselves into this hole, and a win here may be what it takes to save their season. The problem is, they aren't really built like the Steelers were when it comes countering the Chiefs. On paper, they have the offensive weapons. But Marshawn Lynch clearly hasn't demonstrated his status as Beast Mode since coming out of retirement. As such, the only thing to fear offensively would be their passing game. So just rush and hammer the quarterback, and keep their offense off the field, and the Chiefs can and should win. Easy picks: Baltimore Ravens vs. Minnesota Vikings: They get their asses handed to them against the Jaguars, then got slaughtered by the Steelers. They even lost to the Bears at home. The Vikings may have a few question marks, but one thing's for certain--that defense is rather scary. And I highly doubt that Joe Flacco or his team's running game will be able to handle them. The only way the Vikings can lose this game is if their offense kills them. But if they play smart keep-away and make minimal mistakes, the Vikings are the clear Survival Pick of the week. New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers: We're on in New Orleans. That's pretty much what Mike McCarthy said following their devastating loss of both the Viking game and their star QB Aaron Rodgers. Well, we'll just sit back and wait and see. Given the explosive turnover, converting machine that is the Saints secondary, combined with Drew Brees still playing on a high level, this clearly no longer looks like a favorable matchup for the Packers. It will be interesting to see how the Packers respond, but it is difficult to imagine a win coming from them. Carolina Panthers vs. Chicago Bears: Following a home loss to the Eagles, I think the Panthers will get their act together again. Mitch Trubisky was okay. But if the Panthers do well to stuff up the run, then the Panthers will probably win this game. They haven't really won too many games by a wide margin since their week 1 opener against the 49ers. But it still makes the most sense to me. Arizona Cardinals vs. LA Rams: So...the Cardinals looked impressive offensively against the Buccaneers--the first time all season long they found their offensive groove. I do expect something of a high-scoring shootout between these two teams then. But still, the Cardinals need to prove themselves before I can totally get on board with them going forward. Yes, I've said the same thing about the Rams, but a 4-2 start is somewhat encouraging (even though those four wins came against the Colts, 49ers, Cowboys, and Jaguars). Tennessee Titans vs. Cleveland Browns: .......Okay, until the Browns get their shit together, I can no longer pick them to win anything. They honestly look like they have stopped caring about winning, provided that they ever cared at all to begin with. Although the Titans could probably snooze the game away due to their own lack of flash or grit. Dallas Cowboys vs. San Francisco 49ers: .....As stupid as it is to pick the 49ers to win anything anytime soon, they are currently the only NFL team that I got all my picks right thus far. Besides, they've come oh so close to winning each of their last five games. With the Cowboys having to make adjustments without Elliot, I think this will finally be the 49ers' time to get secure a participation award. Cincinnati Bengals vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Bungles the last couple of weeks have finally figured out how to score points. Am I going to pick them for a potential upset win against the Steelers? My thoughts are no. Because that bye week came much too soon for a team that has suddenly reignited. The Steelers could still underestimate their opponent and piss the game away though. But I'm still going to pick the Steelers to win this thing. Seattle Seahawks vs. New York Giants: It would be funny to see the Giants win at home against the Seahawks. It'd be something I may actually root for; I can't stand the Seahawks, and it'd at least make me feel a bit more comfortable knowing that my Broncos had lost to them last week. I just don't think it's terribly realistic, even with the West vs. East thing going on. Atlanta Falcons vs. New England Patriots: Let me guess; the Falcons secure a 20-point deficit and then piss the game away. Even with the Patriots defense being a work-in-progress, the lack of a run game, or an aging Tom Brady, I still think the Falcons will once again snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Sorry, but if you can't beat the Bills or the Dolphins--heck, a Dolphins squad led by Jay Cutler in spite leading 17-0 at the half--I have no confidence in the Falcons' chances at redemption against the Patriots. And the rest of the picks I'll make later on in the week. In spite being easy picks, I suspect a lot of these games would be called incorrectly. After the last couple of weeks, if I manage to get all of these picks correctly, I'll be mighty surprised.
  3. NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

    Well, Week 6 has come and gone, and I think it's high time I throw everything I thought I knew about the NFL power rankings up to this point and time out the window and start over from scratch. A lot of teams wound up dropping big from where they were, while others ended up skyrocketing. Not even the teams that had bye weeks this week were spared. I do not doubt that the overall power rankings will indeed change drastically again heading into the final month of the year. Though for now, it looks like a fresh new start if anything. 32. Cleveland Browns (0-6): This team looks like it has officially given up. They got the Colts and Jets--couldn't beat them. They got the Steelers who tend to play down to their competition, and they couldn't beat them. And in every other team outside of those three? Utterly clobbered them as the Browns simply stood idly by and took it. Sooner or later, the Browns stock is going to drop so substantially that Jimmy Haslam will have no choice but to sell his team and fuck off to the Bahamas. Because nothing they've tried has come close to working! And in a heavily transitional phase in the NFL, it shocks me that the Browns have made literally zero strides when it comes to developing a culture of winning. They still have the Chargers, Packers (without Rodgers), Bears, Jaguars, Titans, and their rematches with their division rivals left in the season. All winnable, but they have to really want it and commit to it. Another 1-win season, or even a 2-win season would simply mean that the things that need to get done are not getting done on ANY level in this organization. 31. San Francisco 49ers (0-6): On the bright side for the 49ers, they still get the Giants and Cowboys. And considering how close they came to pulling a major upset over the last five weeks, it's only a matter of time before they actually win. For this reason, I'm gonna rate the 49ers just slightly higher than the Browns; at least they have been playing some worthy and not-so-worthy opponents tough for 4 quarters. 30. New York Giants (1-5): The only other team with fewer than 2 wins left in the NFL, and thus the final entry in my trash tier. All because they embarrassed the Broncos on the road in spite having pretty much everybody worth a damn not named Eli Manning ruled out for the season or suspended indefinitely. Maybe this Giants squad will finally start to look a bit more like the playoff contender we were all pegging them to be going forward, though it's safe to say that they dug themselves too deep of a whole to climb out of. It would make for an amazing story though, and then I wouldn't feel too bad about my Broncos losing after all. 29. Dallas Cowboys (2-3): I may have been content with leaving the Cowboys as a mediocre spectacle trying to reclaim their identity, except now they have to chuck all that out of the window because Ezekiel Elliot--the cornerstone to their success last season--had his suspension reinstated. No doubt as political payback on Jerry Jones for making his players stand for the National Anthem. Not much else to say, really; unless Dak Prescott is able to carry this team on his shoulders, I do not really have much confidence in the Cowboys winning much the next six weeks. They may have the 49ers and Chargers on their schedule, but something tells me they will, at best, win only one out of these six games. 28. Indianapolis Colts (2-4): I think the Colts Linebacker core, Frank Gore, and the careful quarterback play of Jacoby Brissett are the main reasons the Colts are even remotely competitive. But to totally collapse in the second half and allow a statement touchdown run during dead time with 40 seconds left in the game to lose by two score!? Whatever hopes this team may have had heading into this season have just been dashed in similar fashion to that of the 1994 New York Jets (by the hands of Marino's fake spike, no less). Better get your rear in gear; it's hard to take a team seriously that cannot beat anybody unless they're winless. 27. Oakland Raiders (2-4): After a solid start, they have dug themselves into a hole that keeps on growing. That's what you get when you prematurely bring back Derek Carr before his back is fully healthy. So much for that confidence you stated you had in E.J. Manuel. Also, you allowed the fucking Chargers to kick a game winning field goal on you! I fully expect riots in Oakland as they make like trees and leave for an even worse sports location than LA. 26. Chicago Bears (2-4): They've beaten the Steelers and Ravens in overtime. The Ravens game is a bit of a curiosity though, since we honestly had no idea what kind of quarterback Trubisky will become. At the very least, the Bears are starting to resemble the 1985 squad on a blueprint surface level. But that simply means they're a working progress, and that will probably mean nothing as the season wears on. 25. LA Chargers (2-4): I'm rating this team this high at all because they by all accounts should be 3-3, maybe even 4-2. Given what had just transpired over this weekend, it wouldn't surprise me at all if the Chargers end up getting retribution on the Broncos. Can't believe I'm saying this, but the Chargers may actually become a Darkhorse team in the near-future; the AFC is wide open enough for just about any team not named the Browns to make a splash in the Wild Card round. But then again, that's just wishful thinking. 24. New York Jets (3-3): Say what you will about that touchdown pass that was overruled (perhaps the second most controversial call of the season behind the Falcons and Lions game a couple weeks ago), but it's pretty clear to me that maybe they simply aren't very good. They've beaten a Dolphins squad that was struggling on offense; a Jaguars team that just got back from London; and the fucking Browns. And given the dark horse candidacies of two of these three teams, it's not exactly an impressive resume. 23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3): I said that the stars would have to align and that the Bucs would have to continue to have field goal issues. I did not expect to see them get utterly dismantled in every phase of the game. They did rally during garbage time, but it was all for naught. Jameis Winston is hurt too, but that's not the main reason why they are here--they're here this low because the Bucs are currently in the same division as that of the Panthers, Saints, and Falcons--all looking pretty good, especially compared to the Bucs. But, I also know that they haven't played any of their division rivals yet, so the possibility of this team turning things around is still there. 22. Tennessee Titans (3-3): Watching some of the least inspiring of head coaching tonight throughout the entire game while said head coach looked completely vacant, even when their team actually made a good play, does not give me much inspiration. Then again, struggling at home against the fucking Colts doesn't inspire much confidence. But I will give them one point of approval from yours truly--their final offensive play of the game was definitely quite a statement to make. Will this herald a resurgence in relevancy for the Titans? Who knows. They are at the very least in a 3-way tie for their weak-ass division though. 21. Miami Dolphins (3-2): They've beaten the Falcons in Atlanta. So by virtue, I've got to move them up. But unlike the Giants game where they were a clear cut example of a trap game and clobbered the Broncos as punishment for taking them lightly, the Dolphins were down 17-0 at the half and somehow--you know what, that's totally par for the course ever since 1978 for the Falcons. Still, the Dolphins actually looked good on defense, and Jay Cutler had one of his good days in the second half, too. Still, we all remembered what happened last season after this team started out 1-4 and looked like one of the three or four worst teams in the entire league, so keep your eyes open for this team. At least before the wear and tear occurs because their bye was used up in Week 1 due to outside sources. 20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3): One of the very few NFL teams that actually got to retain their previous ranking, and the only NFL team with a bye week to do so. Probably because everyone else ranked higher than them look more like probably playoff contenders than everybody else ranked below them. 19. Baltimore Ravens (3-3): The Ravens got pummeled at home by the Bears this weekend. I know they attempted to stage an epic comeback, but it was pretty clear the Ravens were not all there this week. I'm predicting further mediocrity from this team going forward! Another 8-8 season awaits! 18. Green Bay Packers (4-2): If not for that 4-win cushion provided by Aaron Rodgers, the Packers would rate much lower since his loss for the season is actually going to have a huge ripple effect in the NFC going forward. Still, let's see how the rest of the team handles this going forward and give them a chance. It's hard to envision this team beating the Vikings at all without Aaron Rodgers, and perhaps hard to envision them beating the Saints, Panthers, Lions, Bears, or Steelers. But considering the remainder of their schedule, a couple more wins here and there--especially against their division rivals--could still get them to the playoffs this year. So yeah, they do have a pathway going forward. Not sure how they'd benefit from this, but they've got something going for them. A bit too late to start tanking the season anyways. 17. Buffalo Bills (3-2): Given this week's upset losses that the Broncos and Falcons both suffered, the Bills upset wins no longer appear all that impressive. Don't get me wrong; they're defense is still rather impressive. But considering that their two losses occurred against the Bungles and Panthers, it's actually rather hard to gauge whether or not this team is for real or not. At the very least, they have a tie-breaker against the Broncos. And they still have to play the Raiders, Chargers, Colts, Dolphins, and Buccaneers. And if they get one more additional upset win--either against the Patriots or the Saints--or a clean sweep against the Jets, they can make the playoffs. As overrated as I feel they may be, they do have a very clear road to the playoffs to take. 16. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): So, if the Jaguars this year really are like the 2013 Jets--win one week, lose the next--then the Jaguars are looking more and more like a mediocre team that occasionally lights up the scoreboard. Because their name is Sacksonville. They at least played admirably, but the Rams did look like they matched up better, winning by two scores in the process. They still get the Browns, Bungles, Chargers, and 49ers left on their schedule too, and a clean sweep against those four teams will then open a road to the playoffs for them in the future. Then again, it IS the AFC South, so that's not really saying much. Oh, what am I kidding--The JAGUARS WINNING THEIR DIVISION AND ACTUALLY MAKING THE PLAYOFFS!? That's almost as farfetched as the Browns and Lions meeting in the Super Bowl for crying out loud! 15. Arizona Cardinals (3-3): Okay, so maybe Adrien Peterson pretty much helped blow up whatever preconception anybody could have had about the Cardinals heading into last week. The Cardinals actually have a high-powered offense for once!? Well, give it a couple of weeks, and maybe I'll consider hopping on the bandwagon. It'd be sweet to watch both Adrien Peterson and Larry Fitzgerald walk off into the sunset with a Super Bowl ring though. And maybe Carson Palmer too. But it is a pretty crowded race thus far. But on the bright side, to my knowledge, the Cardinals have not yet faced either the Rams or the Seahawks. So by all accounts, they're pretty much still in this thing for the division, with no serious deficits that are that necessarily difficult to overcome. Still, considering their injury history, if Carson Palmer and/or Adrien Peterson go down, buh-bye. 14. Washington Redskins (3-2): Probably a controversial decision to move them up a slot higher than they were last week, but think of it more like the Redskins being pushed up by all the other teams dropping like flies than anything else (the Packers drop especially affected the Redskins respectably high rating). The controversy is more or less due to the 49ers coming dangerously close to pulling off yet another upset, but that was going to be expected given how determined the 49ers have been in trying to get a win on the season. Still, the Redskins do have an opportunity to make a statement that will make Kirk Cousins go, "YOU LIKE THAT!? YOU LIKE THAT!?" against the Eagles. 13. Denver Broncos (3-2): If the Broncos lose to the Chargers this weekend, then all hope is pretty much lost for the Broncos. And that's in spite having yet to play the Chiefs or Patriots anyways. Also, Trevor Simien is hurt. I guess that may very well be it. God dammit, Vance Joseph! Your diversity in your background is killing us, as is your time of your life! Maybe that's what happens when you have that idiot sideline reporter not taking his job seriously and therefore jinxing the Broncos. This may start to look ugly real soon. What the hell happened to the Broncos squad that scored 42 points against the Cowboys!? 12. Detroit Lions (3-3): Maybe the Lions thing this year is to lose only to the NFC South, and go undefeated the rest of the way. Okay, fine. They by all accounts should beat the Bucs, Bears, and Packers--a clean sweep against these teams will probably set the Lions up to win the division. They also still have the Browns, Ravens, and Bungles left on their schedule. I'm just curious if they will beat the Steelers or Vikings again when the time is right. Also, playing the Packers in the season finale seems to be the kiss of death for the Lions. Maybe not this year. Then again, maybe my lack of confidence in the Lions is due to the fact that Golden Tate is freaking hurt and is expected to miss some time this season! At least Matthew Stafford and his Lions defense had made a highly memorable comeback attempt from a 35-point deficit. So I guess in a way, the Lions at least look respectable even in defeat. 11. Atlanta Falcons (3-2): Ever since essentially robbing the Lions of a win they deserved, the Falcons continue to shoot themselves in the foot against team they by all account should have been able to defeat. This then begs the question--what happens then when the Falcons have to face a REAL defense, like the Vikings!? Or face the tandem of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick!? Or the New York Jets!? Or the Saints or Panthers!? Even the Bears and Buccaneers look like teams I cannot pick the Falcons in favor of winning with utmost confidence. Oh yeah! They still have to face the Seahawks, too! Do they actually get the Cowboys during Elliot's 6-game suspension though? If so, then I guess maybe that will be a dependable pick to make. 10. Houston Texans (3-3): I know they've just beaten the bloody Browns, but man, is Deshaun Watson a stud or what!? This guy continues to rack up ridiculous video game-esque stats against the likes of the Patriots, Titans, Chiefs, and now the Browns. They get all their division rivals yet again, including a rematch against the Jaguars in Jacksonville, and they even get matchups against the Ravens, Steelers, Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams. Actually, Texans vs. Rams actually looks like an exciting offensive matchup on paper, even! Hopefully the guy can help the Texans win a Super Bowl before J.J. Watt is forced into an early retirement. Speaking of offensive matchups.... 9. LA Rams (4-2): I may have used some abstract logic in order to finally get a Jaguars pick right, but the Rams at least look like an offensive juggernaut. I suppose if they just stayed put in St. Louis, we'd be talking about the second coming of the Greatest Show on Turf. Maybe next time, they'll be able to pull away with a win against the Seahawks, which I think they should have won anyways. But whatever puts things in perspective, I'm good. 8. Seattle Seahawks (3-2): Okay, so I moved them up a little bit for similar reasons to that of the Redskins. All I got to say is, if the Giants pull away with another major upset, I will at least feel comforted that the Broncos actually lost to a team that was a lot better than their record indicates. I'm just not going to be expecting it any time soon. Unless Russell Wilson shreds his knees out, and the Legion of Boom blows themselves up. 7. New Orleans Saints (3-2): After an 0-2 record that seems to indicate that their defense was going to be crap once again, all of a sudden, we have a Saints squad that forces turnovers like crazy and outscores even their legendary QB Drew Brees. By a lot. Normally, I do not think a pass-happy offense to be compatible with a Dome Patrol-style defense, but if Brady and Belichick could make it work the year prior, I suppose the Saints could do the same. Man, where was this defensive scheming all these years!? 6. Minnesota Vikings (4-2): The Vikings own the head-to-head matchup tie-breaker with the Saints, and their defense actually looks a bit like the purple people eaters. They even somehow continue to find ways to run the football. If the Vikings continue to win, and maybe when Bridgewater is healthy enough to play (and actually is able to regain his quarterback form again), the Vikings can finally get their longtime monkey on their back that has plagued them since Fran Tarkenton. But...probably not. Maybe if they vote Republican in the Presidential Elections for once, maybe they'll change their fortunes and start winning. Too bad the vast majority of NFL dynasties all originate from highly liberal regions of the country (Bears, Packers, Lions, Steelers, Raiders, 49ers, Redskins, Cowboys (Dallas is a much more liberal region in Texas), and Patriots--only the Chiefs have a dynasty representing a conservative region, and the Browns originate from a neutral city). 5. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2): It's hard to take this team seriously when you lose to teams like the Bears and Jaguars. But to bounce back from a particularly ugly loss against the Jags to end the Chiefs perfect season? That pretty much warrants a spot in the top five again, especially since just about everybody that was already ranked this high the week before had lost and lost bad to vastly inferior opponents. 4. New England Patriots (4-2): The Patriots actually did not shit the bed against the Jets this weekend--they were the only candidate for the Survival Pool who hadn't done so. By all accounts, one team's failure is another's victory, and the Patriots are back in the top five where everybody except Patriot fans will loathe with a passion. Fucking Broncos and Falcons! 3. Carolina Panthers (4-2): The Panthers still beat the Patriots in Foxborough, so the way I see it, they only get to drop one spot from the week before. 2. Philadelphia Eagles (5-1): Only two teams left with only one loss on their record. The Eagles beat the Panthers, and the Eagles lone loss? 1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-1): If the Chiefs lose to the Raiders on a short week, then I'll consider dropping them down a spot. For whatever reason, the Chiefs have not been able to figure out a way to beat the Steelers ever since 2015 where their upset victory against the Steelers was what propelled them from 1-5 bottom-feeder to near division champion, where the Chiefs have been dominant ever since. So, yeah! The least amount of changes occurred between my top three teams and my bottom three teams. Everything else pretty much had to be rearranged.
  4. WEEK 6 Predictions

    Marcus Mariota is playing; hence, I'm gonna pick the Titans to win. I know the Colts have beaten the Titans week in and week out ever since Luck's rookie season, but their winning streak has to end sooner or later.
  5. NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

    Aaron Rodgers reportedly to be placed on Injury Reserve. Also, Trevor Simien had been injured, and now Brock Osweiler will be our QB going forward, at least until he recovers...unless BO happens to turn his whole career around here. J.J. Watt is on IR. Derek Carr has a fractured vertabre on his back. Ezekiel Elliot is suspended for six games. The Patriots defense sucks. You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your dog is being skinned alive. Your mom's a fucking whore. You're going to hell. Deal with it. Game over! Sorry, most of that stuff has come from the Angry Video Game Nerd. But man is this season getting depressing all across the board. What's next? Big Ben dies? Andy Reid has a stroke? It's like the Will of God is punishing these players for pissing all over the flag. But on the bright side--Colin Kaepernick has all but sealed his fate, and that he'll likely never again be permitted to play again. Translation: He'll be a surefire future Hall of Famer for his political protest of the National Anthem.
  6. NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

    At the very least, the Chiefs will remain atop my power rankings for yet another week. The Eagles move up to number 2 due to their lone loss having come against the Chiefs. Then I'd pick the Panthers at number 3. And due to a number of upsets, I was pretty much forced to blow up my entire power rankings and start from a fresh new perspective going forward. As such, congratulations Patriots; you're back in the top five for the time being! Take care of your quarterback and continue to make steady process in your scoring defense, and you'll continue to win games again. Oh, and the Steelers make it back to the top five as well. Hard not to put them back there after their upset road win in Kansas City as well as a number of upset losses from a ton of other NFL teams. I'll wait until tomorrow before making my final tweaks in my power rankings. But again, while I normally do not move around teams during their bye weeks, I made an exception this week--the Cowboys drop to the basement dwellers due to the Ezekiel Elliot suspension; the Seahawks move up only one slot from before due to the rather revealing upsets that occurred this week (I tried keeping them at number 9, but a modest bump to number 8 is satisfactory enough); and the Bills drop due to the teams they have beaten, who they had beaten, and how they managed to lose. The result is that 8 of the top 12 NFL teams all come from the NFC with the four AFC teams all being poised to win their division later this year. Incidentally, they are all defending division champions at this point in time.
  7. WEEK 6 Predictions

    And...the Atlanta Falcons are now on the brink of collapse against the Dolphins. Well, at least I didn't make them my number 1 Survival Pick of the Week--that would be the Broncos. Man, that Dolphins squad is playing good defense right now. And so are the Vikings, even before Aaron Rodgers got carted off. And as was expected, the 49ers are making it competitive against the Redskins. Another game on upset alert is the Bears vs. Ravens. So in total, I am winning 3 of my picks, losing in two others, and the other two teams are tied 17-17 each.
  8. WEEK 6 Predictions

    And if Aaron Rodgers getting carted off is any indication, I'm gonna guess the Packer legend has a broken arm. If my assessment is correct, the Packers are royally screwed. Aw, who am I kidding; the Lions will probably blow their one big opportunity to finally win their division come the month of December.
  9. WEEK 6 Predictions

    I'm going to rearrange my picks for tomorrow in descending order from easiest to hardest. Just a simple summary will do: New York Giants vs. Denver Broncos: The only way the Broncos can possibly lose to a team utterly decimated by injuries like the Giants is if we defeat ourselves. And if the last couple of weeks is any indication, that's definitely within the realm of possibility, especially with that predictable coaching decisions. But it's this week's Survival Pick. Miami Dolphins vs. Atlanta Falcons: Or, if you wish to find a more confident pick, then the Falcons are there for you. Still, the Dolphins haven't suffered any serious injuries on either side of the ball, and if their offense can get in gear and Ajayay returns to old form, there is a recipe there for an upset. It happened last year; why not against this year? Still, until proven otherwise, I can't see the Falcons losing this game. New England Patriots vs. New York Jets: If the Jets were playing just about any other team not named the Chiefs, this would be a slightly more difficult pick to make. As is, the Patriots know what is at stake and they probably will need to win out their next 5-6 games if they want to have any chance at making the playoffs. If they can't even beat the Jets, well, don't panic yet (unless Tom Brady gets seriously injured), but consider giving the panic button a close look. Cleveland Browns vs. Houston Texans: Screw all these experts that keep saying that Hogan would be a better QB because all that is moot and irrelevant anyways; you're the Browns; you had a couple matchup with some bottom-feeders. And you STILL CAN'T WIN!? Not saying they can't here--especially with J.J. Watt and Merciless out for the season. But if at any point in time, Deshaun Watson begins lighting up the score board, buh-bye. Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Kansas City Chiefs: Yes, on paper, the Steelers can play toe-to-toe against the Chiefs. But it's plenty difficult to pick the Steelers for an upset when you hear these comments coming from Big Ben about how he might not have it in him anymore after he did everything he could to kill his own team! Even if he was being sarcastic, there's nothing positive to gain out of this other than hopefully fueling overzealous confidence in the Chiefs squad. It would be convenient for me as a Bronco fan if the upset did occur, however. Heck, Tecmo predicted a Steelers upset, so what do I know? San Francisco 49ers vs. Washington Redskins: The Redskins are huge favorites here, and I can see why. Still, the 49ers have been awfully competitive so far this year. Those looking to make some money, it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider betting on the 49ers--even if they lose, chances are, the Redskins will have to battle it out without Josh Norman for all 4 quarters. I still love the Redskins over the 49ers--the west vs. east type duel does help the Redskins further. Just don't be surprised if the 49ers play the Redskins tough is all. Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings and Mike Zimmer is likely going to give Aaron Rodgers some fits. But it's really hard to pick against Rodgers and the Packers when the Vikings offensive core is largely depleted, and on a short week no less. Still, the recipe is there for yet another ugly win. But I have to go with the Packers here. Chicago Bears vs. Baltimore Ravens: So, which Ravens squad will we get? Will we get the Ravens team that utterly dismantled the Bungles, Browns, and Raiders? Or will we get the Ravens team that got utterly clobbered by the Jaguars and Steelers? The Bears may similarly be a bottom-feeder like the other teams, but we still have yet to witness Mitchell Trubisky's full potential. As a result, this pick is a more cautionary one. But I still prefer the Ravens. Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Arizona Cardinals: Curiously, the lowest betting odds of ALL of the games so far this week (not counting Monday Night due to the QB situation in Tennessee). Maybe it's due to the fact that the Bucs have failed miserably when it comes to kicking field goals. Still, when you watch the Cardinals play, it's some of the most uncomfortable and most cringe-inducing of all units in the entire league. It may be that east vs. west thing again, but that mostly favors the east when it comes to home teams. If the Bucs can settle down that kicking unit, or better yet, not have to worry about any clutch situations, they'll win this game. The Cardinals literally need the cards to fall in their favor just to win. LA Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders: Yeah, yeah, Derek Carr is going to be coming back, in spite a fracture in his back, which if anything else just simply screams of "desperation," and perhaps even irresponsibility. Sure, maybe Carr is a tough dude and plays through it like a champ. But that's a mighty big IF considering the fact that it was the kind of injury that typically takes 2-6 weeks to recover from, and was one of many factors that plagued Tony Romo's 2014 and 2015 seasons. I might be shooting myself in the foot with this pick, but I still think the Chargers are going to win. This is more of a gutsy call on my end than anything. Then again, I am being wishful in my thinking. Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints: Okay, so it does appear that Matthew Stafford will be starting, and yet the Saints are still favored to win. By over 5 points no less. Maybe Stafford will be healthy enough, and he works his magic against the Saints. Maybe he underestimates the Saints' defense, and Drew Brees torches the Lions defense big time. Maybe Stafford isn't healthy at all. Somehow, I am finding my pick of the Lions to be a less confident pick. LA Rams vs. Jacksonville Jaguars: And here's the hardest pick of the week. BECAUSE I CAN'T FIGURE THIS TEAM OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME! I've already made my rant, and I ultimately made the decision that if I am ever to figure out if the Jaguars are for real, I'm going to use a sleight of hand and use abstract logic in determining who will win. I'm picking the Rams to see if I once again get the pick wrong. If my pick is wrong, then the Jaguars will become a more dependable pick going forward. But if the Rams win, hooray! I finally got a pick concerning the GODDAMN JAGUARS correct! Fuck it! And I'm still holding off on the Colts vs. Titans; that will be game-day decision, obviously due to the Marcus Mariota situation. Long-story short though; if he's out, then the Colts are likely to win. If he starts, then I'm liking the Titans. Simple as that.
  10. WEEK 6 Predictions

    I'm going to go out of my way and use Tecmonster's Tecmo Super Bow 2018 rom to predict the outcome of certain games and then contrast them with mine. For argument's sake, the starting ranking will be identical for the both of us, with the lone stipulation being that my rom predicts a Buccaneers victory against the Dolphins, and the Broncos defeating the Cowboys; the Bucs and Dolphins have yet to play each other, and no matter how many tries, the Broncos always beaten the Cowboys (so in hindsight, picking the Cowboys in that game was a really, really bad idea). Here's some interesting tidbits so far: AFC East: Patriots are 5-0, the Bills and Dolphins are both 2-3, and the Jets are 0-5. AFC North: The Steelers are 5-0, the Ravens are 3-2, and the Bengals and Browns are both 2-3, with the Browns winning the tiebreaker. AFC South: The Titans and Texans are both 3-2 with the Titans winning the tiebreaker, the Jaguars are 2-3, and the Colts are 1-4. AFC West: While my picks would have both the Chiefs and Broncos atop at 3-2 and 3-1 respectively, Tecmo keeps sticking with a 4-0 record instead of 3-1 for the Broncos. The Raiders are also 2-3, and the Chargers are 1-4, even though their wins are against different teams. NFC East: The Eagles lead the division at 4-2, the Giants are 3-2, and the Cowboys are 2-3. The Redskins are 0-4. NFC North: The Packers and Lions are both undefeated at 5-0, the Vikings are a measely 1-4, and the Bears are still winless. NFC South: So far, everybody is looking pretty good at 2-2 or better. The Panthers are 4-2, and the Bucs are 3-2. Both the Saints and Falcons are 2-2 due to a bye week. NFC West: The Rams are 4-1 with the big change being that they lost to the Cowboys. The Seahawks and Cardinals both take up the rear at 2-3 apiece, and the 49ers are still winless. Now to see what Tecmonster thinks is going to win this week: Baltimore Ravens vs. Chicago Bears: According to Tecmo, the Bears will rally behind Trubisky to get his first win of the season 20-16 in the 4th quarter. Houston Texans vs. Cleveland Browns: The Browns suffering continues in the real world while Deshaun Watson continues carrying his team to new heights. Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings: Both Tecmonster and myself are in agreement with this game, and Tecmonster still projects the Packers to remain undefeated. New Orleans Saints vs. Detroit Lions: Tecmonster projects the Lions would win, but that's with Matthew Stafford in the lineup. Without Stafford, the Saints look like big winners. Atlanta Falcons vs. Miami Dolphins: The Falcons win this one. New England Patriots vs. New York Jets: The Jets pull off a big upset against the Patriots, huh? Well, considering the way both teams have been playing, this is a realistic possibility. Washington Redskins vs. San Francisco 49ers: A clash between two winless teams, Tecmonster at least picked the more believable choice--the one that actually looked good in real life. Arizona Cardinals vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tecmonster picks the Bucs to win. Jacksonville Jaguars vs. LA Rams: The Jaguars will lose Fournette to injury, and the Rams will escape with a win. Kansas City Chiefs vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: Huh, I kind of wish Tecmonster's prediction does turn out right here. The Steelers pull away with an upset. Oakland Raiders vs. LA Chargers: Tecmonster predicts an LA Chargers upset. And keep in mind, that was with Derek Carr in the lineup! Denver Broncos vs. New York Giants: The Broncos steamroll the Giants. Tennessee Titans vs. Indianapolis Colts: The game assumes that with both Mariota and Luck healthy enough to play that the Titans would still clobber the Colts. Both quarterbacks out in turn would result in a Colts victory. Each quarterback starting while the other one being benched will result in the starting QB's victory. But the margin of victory appears to strongly favor the Titans.
  11. WEEK 6 Predictions

    Okay, I might as well make a contingency here. Once again, I'm going to have to pick against the Jaguars. I have at this point in time never gotten a pick concerning the Jaguars right, and by my own reasoning, I am bound to get one pick concerning this team right. As such, I'm going to pick the Rams to beat the Jaguars, and use that pick as a win-win situation going forward. If the Jaguars happen to lose to the Rams, then cuddos me; I got a pick concerning them right. But if I get them wrong, it will at least provide a little bit of validity concerning the Jaguars going forward that they are actually pretty good. Why do I not totally buy the Jaguars yet? Simple: Blake Bortles! Can anybody honestly believe that Blake Bortles is even remotely capable of carrying a team on his shoulders? He needs a defense that gets to the quarterback and forces turnovers like crazy, as well as a capable rushing attack in order to win games. He's pretty much this generation's Rex Grossman. In other words, the Jaguars under Doug Marrone and Tom Coughlin can definitely win games, and definitely have a capacity to be a genuinely good game; but it's difficult to rely on them. I suspect that the Jaguars' success as they are now is going to be similarly to the Bears from 2004-2006, on the short term. If they can't win the Super Bowl with their own defense and within the next year or two, they're gonna take a nose-dive as Deshaun Watson skyrockets his Texans squad to an inevitable trip to the Super Bowl. As such, I'm gonna go with the Rams here and roll the dice on fate concerning the true metal of the Jaguars. I may be expecting to get this pick wrong, but at least then I'm jinxing myself to some clearer answers. Or if I get the pick right, I at least got a pick right with the Jaguars.
  12. NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

    So Ezekiel Elliot's suspension was reinstated. No doubt as payback revenge a message karma against Jerry Jones for even daring to force his teammates to stand for the National Anthem. My sincerest condolences, Cowboys fans; you are fucked this season! But don't worry; the Giants are in an even worse situation than they are with their entire receiving core utterly wiped out! Only one of their wide receivers currently isn't on IR, and he's expected to miss out a couple of weeks! Also, one of their best defensive players is suspended by the Giants indefinitely. Also, one of the Titans' wide receivers says he'll retire if he's forced to stand for the Anthem. Go ahead and retire you thankless piece of shit! It says a lot when even the Colts look more stable than the Titans--who had a ton of promise to actually make the playoffs this season! And if players in drove decide to protest the Anthem, then just replace all of them with people that actually DO want to play the game! Maybe then, that will mean the Washington Redskins will finally end their Super Bowl drought!
  13. WEEK 6 Predictions

    I'll start off with the safest candidates for the Survival Pool, and then proceed to pick some additional football games I think are likely to end in a certain way. Survival Pool Picks: Miami Dolphins vs. Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons are well rested following their bye week, and Julio Jones will be back in action. Right now, with the Dolphins struggles on offense, and especially the porous play of Jay Cutler, the only way the Dolphins can win this game is if Matt Ryan suddenly tears his ACL following the first play from scrimmage or Jay Ajayay actually returns to his rookie form and snags victory from what could otherwise be a trap game. Otherwise, I feel more confident in the Falcons winning this game. New England Patriots vs. New York Jets: Okay, maybe after three weeks, the Jets are now in this stage of the season where they have essentially passed the point of no return; they have no talent and should be tanking their season, and yet presumably because their head coach is fighting for his starting job in his third year, now have to keep winning in spite having next to no talent on that roster. That can only take you so far and is thus the reason why I kept picking against them. I'm still going to do it here. The Patriots defense may be shit, and Tom Brady is being forced to do everything himself while taking a beating of a lifetime--at age 40 no less--but if the Patriots don't win this game, hell is going to freeze over; pigs will be flying; dogs and cats will be living together; you get the gist already. I'm picking the Patriots. New York Giants vs. Denver Broncos: Yes, I'm jumping clear ahead to the Sunday Night game, which I won't be able to watch right away because I have to go somewhere. But regardless, this is perhaps the easiest pick I can possibly make this week. The Broncos have just come back from a much-needed bye week. Which means much of our starting lineup should be healthy in time to combat the lowly Giants, who have pretty much lost every single solitary starting wide receiver worth a damn on that roster. On top of that, the Giants offensive line is a patchwork; they can't run the football to save their life; and Eli Manning is already starting to hit that brick wall much earlier than anticipated. Seriously, Bronco fan or not, how can't anybody pick them to win this week? Not certain (but still feeling confident): San Francisco 49ers vs. Washington Redskins: Okay, so this isn't exactly a pick worthy of the Survival Pool for a couple of reasons. First off, outside of the thrashing the 49ers received against the Panthers in Week 1, they have otherwise been real competitive against everybody else in spite their 0-5 start. They were certainly a couple good plays going their way away from being 4-1 instead of 0-5. On top of that, the Redskins' backfield has been decimated by injuries, particularly during their Monday Night loss to the Chiefs. As result, the window is definitely there and reasonable to expect a 49er upset. However, the two factors I'm going to make in deciding who between these two teams would win would come down to two categories; homefield advantage, and QB play. Kirk Cousins is definitely a good quarterback--not great, but good, with a fiery competitive edge to him for good measure. Brian Hoyer was good in Cleveland and somewhat tolerable in Houston; but other than that, he's a journeyman backup rather than a dependable starter. It's also a West Coast vs. East Coast game where the home team usually wins unless there's a stark, stark difference in team quality. Add to that the fact that the 49ers may be in a state in the NFL where it's of utmost importance for the team to scout the talent on their team and draft accordingly high and smart, I still like the Redskins to win this game. But, there is definitely a path there for the 49ers to pull off an upset. Cleveland Browns vs. Houston Texans: I almost made that one a survival pick because it's pretty darn clear who anybody with any sense after Week 5 had come and gone would realize that picking the Browns to win anything is detrimental to one's health; they're just going to continue to find new and inventive ways to outsuck their 2016 counterpart, and ensure the organization gets blown up yet again. But be as it may, one has to wonder; with both their best defensive players gone and Myles Garret finally getting reps in his rookie year, what if the Texans' defense is no longer capable of stopping anybody!? What if in order to win, Deshaun Wattson--who has otherwise been phenomenal--must carry the team on his shoulders during his rookie year!? What if the Browns are able to slow down, if not outright stop the high-powered Texans!? I'm still going to pick the Texans until the Browns prove otherwise, but when asking the right questions, one can perhaps see a glimmer of hope for the lowly Browns. Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings: I still like the Packers to win this game--in fact, I'm going to pick them. And while it's nowhere near close to being clear cut as say, the Redskins over the 49ers or the Texans over the Browns (especially since anybody can tell the Vikings have a phenomenal defense and a pretty tough homefield advantage to boot), as well as the fact that the Vikings have been historically known for playing the Packers pretty tough--even when the talent level clearly favors that of the Packers. Still, we pretty much saw on display on Monday Night the offensive struggles the Vikings had at scoring points on their own. It's doubtful we'll be seeing Sam Bradford anytime soon until he is 100% healthy again, too. Plus, there's also the consideration that the Vikings have no running game to speak of. The Packers defensively only need to do their job, and Aaron Rodgers can help them either win in the clutch for the umpteenth time, or torch a Vikings offense that is otherwise looking for answers. Still, if the Vikings defense can make the same type of big plays they made against the Bears, they can win this. Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Arizona Cardinals: Maybe Adrian Peterson is a good fit for the Cardinals. Maybe he is just what the Cardinals need to finally win games during regulation, and not without the help of some much-needed miracles against bottom-feeders like the Colts and 49ers. But what I see is an act of sheer desperation that the Saints obviously took clear advantage of; it's clear as day that Peterson's career is gonna be as good as over, and that he's going to retire soon. It's also pretty clear too that the rest of that Cardinals' offense has aged so poorly that even the Bucs' atrocious secondary wouldn't break a sweat against anybody but Larry Fitzgerald. Literally the only factor that favors the Cardinals is the fact that they have homefield advantage in this game. Otherwise, unless Peterson revitalizes his career here, or Fitzgerald takes enough advantage off of that horrible secondary and makes clutch game-winning catches, the game clearly favors the Bucs. It's nowhere near enough to make it a Survival Pool candidate, however, due to Jameis Winston's inconsistency. Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Kansas City Chiefs: A battle against two really good football teams doesn't exactly make the decision a tough one when the star quarterback in an interview quite clearly spoke in a postgame interview that "maybe he doesn't have it in him anymore" after his team got torched by a Jaguars squad whose QB was so ineffective that he didn't even hit 100 yards passing. Because Big Ben threw 5 picks--two of which returned for touchdowns! Just imagine then trying to pick them over a Chiefs team that can actually produce effectively on every statistical level you can imagine! Passing, rushing, defense, field goals, return teams, and even kicking/punting units! Sure, maybe Big Ben is trying to stoke the team's fire while brushing off the media because he's a bit of a dickhead in real life (though to be fair, it's the media, so I guess it's understandable), but it's pretty hard to motivate a team when you state point-blank that you may not have it in you anymore. The talent is there to pull away with an upset and save their season; but a relatively difficult pick has suddenly turned into a pick for the Chiefs that one can make with some level of confidence. These picks are tough to make, but I at least have a little bit of confidence enough that I decided to make a decision here instead: Carolina Panthers vs. Philadelphia Eagles: On paper, the Eagles are perhaps a vastly superior football team. On top of that, the Eagles will be hosting the Panthers in a dangerous environment. So why am I going to go with the Panthers!? Simple: Their history of beating talented football teams. They had narrowly escaped a low-scoring game with a win against the vaunted Buffalo Bills defense; had outscored Tom Brady's Patriots in Foxborough; and they even outscored and stuffed up the Lions in Detroit until the 4th quarter, where they tried to but failed to complete the comeback. Considering the status as Super Bowl contenders of the Patriots or Lions when the Panthers confronted them, and considering their homefield advantages, the Panthers have been known for being one of the sneaky best football teams in the league, with a penchant for securing road upsets. I'm not sure who is favored to win between the Panthers and Eagles, but I expect the result will be very much the same either way; the Panthers will win yet another highly contested game. Even if I'm wrong (and I very well could be; I've simply hadn't gotten a pick right concerning the Panthers since Week 2), I still expect a highly contested game between Cam Newton and Carson Wentz. Chicago Bears vs. Baltimore Ravens: The only reason I even watched that pitiful excuse for a football game (seriously, 3-2!? The amazing part was that the 3rd quarter suddenly made it a game out of nowhere, presumably because both clubs figured out how to reach the endzone without attracting the attention of some pretty trigger-happy referees) was to check out Trubisky to see if he's any good. At the very least, he gives his team hope in actually being able to win games again. There's also some promise on defense and special teams that will undoubtedly lead to a couple of upsets here and there. It's really tough to gauge if the Ravens truly are a playoff contender now that the Steelers have invited a crap ton of questions as to their overall merit, or even if they are suddenly going to not suck again--they may have clobbered the Raiders last weekend, but that was somewhat expected due to the Derek Carr's injury. And if the Bears find themselves going really far, one must wonder if the Ravens--who are clearly favored to win--could find themselves in the crosshairs of yet another promising upstart rookie QB drafted high in the 1st round, and the Bears not only win but make a statement? So far, I've got my toggle on the Ravens, but don't let 1-4 fool you; the Bears very well could win this obvious trap game for the Ravens, and people still won't give them much notice. LA Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders: Like the Lions vs. Saints game, this pretty much comes down to the health of Derek Carr. However, not only is it far more likely for Matthew Stafford to come back and at least be healthy enough to play, the same isn't true of Carr, even if he does make a speedy recovery. It's hard to imagine this team winning games with a star quarterback who clearly isn't healthy enough to play, as the Vikings demonstrated with Sam Bradford, but at least they made the right decision of benching him at halftime. Still, of all these hard-to-make projections on who would win in this category of hard-to-figure out, I can at least make a pick here, and that I have to go with the Chargers. Why? Two things; if the Chargers win, the Broncos will be heading into LA without walking straight into a trap-game scenario (so this preference is more or less a matter of want than anything). But the second thing is more practical; if Carr doesn't play, it's hard to imagine the Raiders possibly winning. And if he does play, it's hard to imagine Carr playing well enough to carry his team to victory. Because clearly, Marshawn Lynch was a mistake on the Raiders' part. And now for a few picks that aren't quite so easy to make, either due to the fact that one of the teams playing is fairly difficult to read, or because it is naturally, well, a tough pick: Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints: On paper, this should be a game I can make with confidence in favor of the Lions. But given that Matthew Stafford had hurt his leg in the loss to the Saints, it will likely come down to a game-time decision on who I would ultimately pick to win between these two teams. And even then, if Stafford's injury is enough to hamper his performance, we might be looking at a Saints upset even if he pops up onto the field. Still, he is a pretty tough athlete, and it's pretty clear he's hungry for a Super Bowl Championship. I guess by the time a QB hits the age of 30, they suddenly find themselves starving for meaningful results and start performing on an MVP-caliber level. As such, my pick is simple; if Stafford is healthy enough to play, then I'll pick the Lions to win. But if Stafford can't play, then I'm going to have to go with the Saints. Still, Stafford's return doesn't exactly make it a safe pick to make, especially if it's enough to hold his team back. LA Rams vs. Jacksonville Jaguars: You know, of all the teams in the NFL so far this season, the one that has caused me the most grief by far has to be the Jaguars! Sure, on paper, the Rams should be the easy pick to make to run up the score and win this thing while Blake Bortles throws enough interceptions to kill whatever shot that ruthless defense and efficient ground attack has at winning this game. But seriously, what the hell are they!? Every time I expect them to lose, they win! Every time I feel like buying into these guys and pick them to win, they lose! Just...how good are they, really!? Because if they're merely good enough to win the division, that still doesn't tell us much given the problems the other teams in that division need to overcome. Be as it may, that defense can be the greatest the league has ever seen and they'd still lose the Super Bowl, and for much the same reason as the Bears did against the Colts; because somebody is going to make Blake Bortles win the game for them. Seriously, fuck this team and their total lack of consistency! I just can't figure this team out for the life of me! As such, I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever on whatever pick I make concerning this team! Indianapolis Colts vs. Tennessee Titans: Truth be told, this game would be a slightly easier pick to make with confidence if Marcus Mariota were to start in this game. And even then, Jacoby Brissett seems like he's playing well enough in Andrew Luck's absence to barely pull away with some wins--granted, those two wins came against the Browns and 49ers, but if the Titans are comparably bad as those two teams (especially without Mariota), then the Colts are, well, more realistically probable at winning this game. If Mariota returns and is healthy enough (and since he's day-to-day instead of projected to miss a couple weeks), however, then the game's favor definitely suits the Titans, though again, that's no sure thing. It's kind of like the Lions vs. Saints game in that regard, only more clearer, yet broadened. It's not exactly an easy pick to make either way. Still, it's a Monday Night game, so I at least have enough time to make a decision here. I may continue this format from this day forward. Still, here's the sum-up of every pick thus far: Panthers, Falcons, Packers, Patriots, Redskins, Ravens, Texans, Buccaneers, Chiefs, Chargers, and Broncos. The Lions vs. Saints; Rams vs. Jaguars; and Colts vs. Titans will be picks I'll be making later. Though if I could, I'd simply skip making a pick between the Rams and Jaguars because I lost every last one of my Jaguars picks thus far this season and hate picking games involving them. Though right now, I'm leaning more towards Lions, Rams, and Titans; I'm just not confident enough to make those picks.
  14. NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

    I'd mimic Keye an Peele for my touchdown celebration!
  15. NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

    Time for some updates on my Week 5 power rankings. Pardon me because Monday Night football was the only game I actually watched all the way through this week. Still, here's my power rankings for this week: 32. New York Giants (0-5): I actually pondered who between the Browns and 49ers were the worst team in football. The thing is though, those teams still have weapons on offense. The Giants!? They lost all their receivers for an extended period of time, and they have no running game to be had. And considering that Eli Manning has more in common with somebody like Len Dawson or Bob Grease as far as HoF QB's are concerned than somebody like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady (and as such, isn't exactly the kind of guy that can carry a football team on his shoulders), this is a much worst off football club than either of them at this stage of the game. At least the Browns and the 49ers have the capacity to score points. 31. Cleveland Browns (0-5): I fiddled between them and the 49ers, but ultimately, from where these two teams are going, at least the 49ers have a couple opportunities in which I can see them winning games. Mainly because they have another game with the Cardinals as well as a Week 10 matchup with the Giants. Who do the Browns have that they can reliably defeat!? They couldn't even beat a Steelers team that plays down to their competition; a Jets team that was devoid of any valid playmakers; or a Colts team that was just as devoid of any real talent. At least they get a second chance against the Steelers late in the season. But who can they beat that we can credit for beating!? It's confounding me because this is supposed to be a vastly improved football team, and they look more interested in finishing where they left off last year. The question is, will there EVER be an end before the NFL finally dies!? 30. San Francisco 49ers (0-5): How tragic. But they're going to win a game or two on accident. Considering just how close they came to winning only to fail so many times this year, it's going to happen. They're not 0-16 bad, not even close! 29. Chicago Bears (1-4): I wanted to move this team a little bit higher because Mitchell Trubisky actually looked like a competent quarterback in spite being a rookie. Still, they lost a game, and if the Browns taught me anything, this unit needs to prove itself before it can leave the basement...and surely enter the arena of mediocrity. 28. LA Chargers (1-4): Yay. The Chargers beaten a Giants team that could sustain itself without any shred of offense remaining. At least the Raiders game next week is looking more winnable at this point in time. 27. Indianapolis Colts (2-3): They've beaten the 49ers and the Browns. They generally dominated those games, but they still had to hold on and only won by a field goal in the end. Of course, who knows when Andrew Luck will come back, but there is some good news--they're nowhere near as bad as they were when Peyton Manning was out during the 2011 season! 26. Arizona Cardinals (2-3): This one is slightly sadder because the Cardinals needed to tie up their games in order to force overtime, and they needed miracle finishes to win those games, and against the 49ers and Colts no less! I'm predicting a miserable regular season finish. 25. Miami Dolphins (2-2): Well, you sort of derped your way to victory not once, but twice already--against the Chargers and against the Titans. The Dolphins never really are as good as those two wins could possibly advertise. Of course, we've been there before last year, but right now, they don't look so good. 24. New York Jets (3-2): FINE, JETS! FINE! YOU DON'T WANT TO TANK!? GO AHEAD AND KEEP OVERACHIEVING! DON'T EVEN BOTHER LOOKING FOR A FUTURE STAR QB IN THE FORESSEABLE FUTURE, EITHER! YOU WIN! YOU'RE OUT OF THE BASEMENT! Now go forth, and march onward into mediocrity! 23. Oakland Raiders (2-3): Their performance against the Ravens at home last week is a reminder; that without Derek Carr, there really isn't much meat on the bones for the Raiders. There's also this moving to Las Vegas thing that's gonna become an unavoidable distraction. 22. Tennessee Titans (2-3): Similar case to the Raiders, except Marcus Mariota is poised to return to the lineup at any moment in time since his injurie isn't quite as severe as, say Carr's. That, and they sort of choked the game away against a really bad Dolphins team. I was wrong about one thing in particular....it wasn't Brandon Wheedon who started, but Matt Cassel! 21. Minnesota Vikings (3-2): I got to say, if not for their defensive unit, won would be dumbstruck at just how this team could possibly win. As such, even in defeat, I had to drop them down a little further than intended. I smell mediocrity hanging in the air...like the waft of a wet fart. 20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3): So following a dreadful 0-2 start that eventually escalated to 0-3, they fired their offensive coordinator, and have finally figured out the complex math equation on how to move the football down the field and actually score touchdowns. The sad part is, this probably means the Bengals will somehow derp their way to the AFC North division title, and Marvin Lewis would get an extension in the offseason. 19. New Orleans Saints (2-2): They don't move up or down on the Power Rankings this week. Why? It's their bye week! 18. Dallas Cowboys (2-3): It practically felt a lot like Deja vu! From their NFC Divisional Round upset against the Packers! Except you guys were winning throughout most of the game! AND still lost to an incredibly clutch Aaron Rodgers! 17. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): So what!? When I heard Derek Carr went down to injury, I began pilfering from their unconscious bodies! Metaphorically speaking, of course. My point was, of course the Ravens were going to defeat the weather fairy somehow! 16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2): Meh. Not even worth talking about to be quite honest with you. 15. The Redskins get their bye week. Again, their rankings as of right now never changes. 14. Houston Texans (2-3): You lost both core components of your Pass Rush season!? Well, at least it was against the Chiefs instead of yet another division rival. Either way, that's brutal! 13. LA Rams (3-2): The Rams lost narrowly to the Seahawks. I suppose then it's totally within the realm of reality that the Rams would get their asses handed to them on a silver platter by a QB so dysfunctional At least they're fun to watch play! 12. Jacksonville Jaguars: Of course. They have a ride attraction in the main parkland itself. Blake Bortles threw for 95 yards and a pic. Didn't know that was all you needed in order to embarrass the once high-powered Steelers offense! God, what are they, anyways, and why won't they die!? 11. Buffalo Bills (3-2): At the very least, I would have at least tolerated the fact that the okay....what was I saying again? Sorry; I fell asleep. Oh, yeah! They lost to the freaking Bungles! 10. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2): Big Ben threw for over 300 yards versus Blake Bortles' 95 last Sunday. Just how on earth did they even lose to the Jaguars anyways! Oh, yeah! Big Ben threw a metric ton of interceptions; that's how! That, and you played down to their perceived trashiness for some reason! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You guys are so fucked next week! 9. Seattle Seahawks (3-2): They won the important matchup against the Rams. Of course the NFL's Social Justice Warriors had to win a core matchup! 8. Detroit Lions (3-2): The Lions' drop is escalated by the fact that Matthew Stafford had gotten hurt, and he may very well end up not playing next week. At the very least, that bit of concern is only going to last for this very week and not the entire rest of the year as well. As such, the Lions don't fall off a cliff so suddenly. and are still in the top ten. 7. New England Patriots (3-2): They're still a work in progress, but win the next five games, and the Patriots almost certainly make the playoffs. Their next opponent? Um...it's the Jets....you know, I would be the kind of guy that would point out just how much the Patriots ought to be able to win this game easily, but given the way they've been playing so far this year, and considering the way the Jets have been overachieving, a sign of confidence is replied with just one simple statement: Don't fuck this up, Patriots! 6. Denver Broncos (3-1): They get the week off being their bye week and whatnot. 5. Green Bay Packers (4-1): This is Aaron Rodgers single-handedly carrying this team to the top five for the time being. He was terrific; he was clutch; enough said. 4. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1): Well, we'll figure out soon enough just how good the Eagles really are. And given the fact that they have been playing a Panthers squad that nobody gave a chance at anything and are suddenly winning upset after upset after upset, I think it's safe to say they're not quite THAT great. 3. Atlanta Falcons (3-1): Once again, it's their bye week. So their ranking is locked into place. 2. Carolina Panthers (4-1): Probably the second most convincingly solid team in the NFL behind our last remaining unbeaten squad, as they have clobbered the 49ers and beaten the Bills, Patriots, and Lions in contested games. Not bad. 1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0): I've already spoken of this team enough. Except now, I'm convinced they'll remain undefeated after the next week as well. It' hard to imagine very many teams even coming close to defeating the Chiefs unless they happen to be their very own division rivals. But I digress. Now I'm done for the week. Good night!
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