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NFL 2017-2018 Season Discussion

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NFL Power Rankings.  And now that I completely revamped my power rankings heading into Week 7, I finally flourished for the first time in several weeks in my weekly pick-em's.

 

32.  Cleveland Browns (0-7):  I'm just going to merge this choice with my number 31 pick since I will basically be repeating myself twice if I don't do so.  On the bright side, the Browns came so close to winning their first game against a fairly respectable, albeit frustratingly pedestrian Titans squad at home.

 

31.  San Francisco 49ers (0-7):  You know, following last season, we were all at least expecting your squad to at least be an improvement over last season's.  Not worse.  You're not supposed to digress from 1 and 2-win seasons the year before.  Alas, this is pretty much what we are going to expect from now on since neither squad has any semblance of talent whatsoever.  That's what you get when you're the squad that starts the National Anthem Protests going on recently.  Or in the Browns case, simply being the Browns.

 

30.  New York Giants (1-6):  Maybe if the Giants actually pulled away with the upset at home against the Seahawks, I'd at least respect the squad for coming into Denver and pulling away with a huge upset.  But alas, one must be reminded that the Giants have been utterly gutted on the offensive side of the ball, and Eli Manning isn't exactly a GOAT when it comes to football, unless it's playing the GOAT in a Super Bowl.  Unfortunately, these two teams do not play each other at all this season.  They at least get the 49ers this season.

 

29.  Indianapolis Colts (2-5):  This weekend against a Jaguars player not playing with their star running back is proof positive that the Colts really do not stand a chance against football teams with a win in the win column.  Translation, they've beaten the Browns and 49ers.  There are literally no winless teams remaining on the Colts schedule.  So unless Andrew Luck comes back, or the Colts catch a division rival sleeping on them, I'd say their last remaining win on the schedule would probably be against, mmm.....the Broncos.  Translation:  They're looking more and more like a 3-13 win team by season's end.

 

28.  Arizona Cardinals (3-4):  Okay, the blowout loss to the Rams may have been somewhat foreseen, but nobody expected this team to fail to reach the end zone a single time.  The main reason the Cardinals are even ranked this low is the devastating loss of Carson Palmer.  Say what you will about Carson Palmer as a QB, but it's highly doubtful that Drew Stanton will be much of a substitute.  So unless Adrien Peterson, Larry Fitzgerald, and their defense can somehow carry this team on their shoulders, it's hard to picture that many wins left on their schedule.  But considering the wildly unpredictable nature of the NFL this season, I'd say this team leans closer to longshot than trash in the can.

 

27.  New York Jets (3-4):  You allowed Matt Moore to rally the Dolphins to victory after Jay Cutler got hurt!  Sorry, but Week's 3-6 Jets team was one that I never really took seriously as a football team.  If I have to make a guess, the Jets are going to be one of those NFL teams that will ultimately cash in on teams that are having a tough time getting their act together, or a team that downright sucks.  They've beaten the Dolphins who have yet to discover their identity; a Jaguars squad that just got back from London; and the fucking Browns.  They're not a good football team at all; they're just overachieving.  As a dark horse, I'm anticipating graduation from crap to mediocrity sometime this season.

 

26.  Cincinnati Bengals (2-4):  Boy that bye week sure did come in and kill whatever momentum they may have had heading into Pittsburgh.  Now they're back to the reality where the Bungles are nothing short of a shell of what they once were, and are struggling mightily against football teams that actually are capable of putting up a fight.  At least they get the Broncos, Browns and Colts later on this season.  Because they are otherwise not going anywhere this season.

 

25.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4):  This was a fairly difficult team to gauge, though given the hole they have dug themselves into, the Bucs by all accounts probably needed to come in and beat the Bills, a football team I still cannot put too much stock in yet.  Perhaps what is going to sting the most was how Hurricane Irma will ultimately derail this team down the road because they have to play the whole season without taking a break.  I predict some changes in the front office in the foreseeable future.  I don't really trust the Bucs to get it together anytime soon.

 

24.  Baltimore Ravens (3-4):  Everybody has aged horribly, Joe Flacco is mediocre, and there is next to no play makers remaining from their dominant 2008-2012 playoff runs.  Overall, I'm predicting a Ravens squad that will remain stuck in mediocrity for yet another season.

 

23.  Denver Broncos (3-3):   ..................................All I got to say is, they have the potential to look way, way worse down the road.  Especially given the teams they have left on their schedule; the Chiefs twice, the Raiders again, the Colts, Bungles, Eagles, Redskins, and Patriots.  5 or 6 wins seem to be the best-case scenario.  And just like the Ravens, it's gonna be yet another looooooong wait for relevancy.  And there's no telling whether or not there will be an NFL franchise by the time we can be considered contenders again.

 

22.  Green Bay Packers (4-3):  A very weird place for this Packers squad.  The upside is, the 4-win cushion established by Aaron Rodgers allows them to at least be considered a playoff dark horse.  The downside is, they still need to win games.  Because it's highly doubtful the Packers can possibly compete with the likes of the Lions or the Vikings for the division, and they still need to compete with a wild, wild, Wild Card spot alongside several other football teams, such as the Panthers, Seahawks, Falcons, and maybe the Redskins and Cowboys.  This team could just as easily find themselves a bottom-feeder quick unless everybody plays their part to the fullest.  Because there is simply no replacing Aaron Rodgers.

 

21.  LA Chargers (3-4):  And now the Chargers are back in the thick of things as far as playoff contention is concern.  They're still a dark horse; they still need to compete with the Chiefs and Raiders.  At least they got a win in against the latter though.  Plus, they still get the Browns and Jets.  We all know this team could have just as easily be 5-2 by this point in time.  But now, it's still hard to envision a playoff spot for a squad that's still digging their way out of a 0-4 hole.  With any luck, the Chargers may ultimately climb out of the basement in the foreseeable future.  That's a good thing, because Phillip Rivers has never played in a Super Bowl in his entire career.

 

20.  Miami Dolphins (4-2):  Truth be told, it's hard to make a debate as to whether or not the injury to Jay Cutler to make way for Matt Moore means the Dolphins should jump far ahead or not.  That's a question that remains to be answered at this point.  Still, considering their past couple of comeback attempts, they have the capacity to beat just about anybody left on their roster.  But for now, it's hard to pick them as anything but a dark horse.  Especially since, like the Bucs, they have to go an entire 16-week stretch without a break, and unless they go the rest of the season undefeated, it's hard to imagine them getting a week's break at all.  But for now, they actually look pretty good.

 

19.  Oakland Raiders (3-4):  They get a pretty big boost after their upset win against the Chiefs on Thursday Night.  I'm not terribly sure if they have found their groove again or not, because they're still digging their way out of a 4-game losing streak.  I can at least make the claim that Derek Carr is at least healthy enough to make the Raiders relevant again, but they're gonna need to steal some wins against some pretty darn good teams in order to turn their season around.  They still need to play the Bills, Dolphins, Patriots, Eagles, and Cowboys this season.  They clean up their division the rest of the way, and then beat the Giants, the remaining teams will at least give the Raiders a realistic shot at the playoffs (I can see this team finishing anywhere from 4-12 to 12-4, so it's quite a wild range to foresee).

 

18.  Chicago Bears (3-4):  The Bears offense still looks like it needs work, but ever since Trubisky was named the Starter, the Bears running game and defense has been clicking on all cylinders.  They also get the remaining teams of the  AFC North, NFC South, and San Francisco 49ers, as well as a Packers team without their star QB.  I may consider them a dark horse now, but maybe they've found their way and they might actually be pretty good?  Even if they're not all that great, an easy remaining schedule that only has three more difficult matchups left in their schedule (Vikings, Eagles, and Saints) could still very well give them a chance.  At least they're competitive now.

 

17.  Atlanta Falcons (3-3):  And you get blown out by the Patriots in Foxborough during the Super Bowl rematch that is surprisingly lifeless for a squad looking to make amends for that collapse.  At least the Panthers and Broncos were competitive in defeat and the Seahawks actually avenged their Super Bowl loss.  And given that the Patriots were barely 1-2 at home heading into this week and the Patriots had a notoriously bad defense, it's actually pathetic that they made no attempt to actually try and win that game.  Eh, to be fair, they got what was coming to them anyways.  You're heading back to mediocrity, Falcon Nation!  So much for "Rise Up!"  Insert Erik Cartman laughter scene.  "RISE ABOVE IT!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 

16.  Dallas Cowboys (3-3):  Okay, if you want to know why I dropped the Cowboys spectacularly low last week, that's because of Ezekiel Elliot's suspension being withheld.  And then he was reinstated shortly after I made that power ranking.  And it appears that Elliot will remain on the roster for yet another week.  Because with Zeke, they are at least going to remain a contender.  Without him, well, that's gonna make them a longshot without an appropriate cushion to lean on.  Still, the Cowboys best represent the state of the NFL landscape nowadays, well, outside the protesting; utter chaos and unpredictability.  So...how about dead center of mediocrity, but with the best shot at making some noise until the suspension is inevitably reinstated.

 

15.  Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3):  Yeah, you thought I was going to move the Jaguars to the top ten or close to it by now?  Because they blew out and shut out the Colts?  For all I know, the Jaguars will just sit back down on their thumb next week and beat themselves....no, wait!  It's their bye week.  Well, on the bright side, maybe they'll find a way to win back-to-back games, and finally settle in for a groove.  It's pretty clear Doug Marrone is the best head coach in this division.  They just need a quarterback that can play consistently.

 

14.  Tennessee Titans (4-3):  It's hard to take them seriously when they do everything in their power to throw the game away to the Browns of all teams.  They may have won, but they really need to do something about those pitiful dropped catches.  The Titans looked awful and unconvincing in victory.  They only rate higher than the Jaguars because while the Jaguars are chaos incarnate in the NFL, the Titans at least have the current tie-breaker over them....and it was played in Jacksonville too, no less.  Speaking of Jacksonville, the Titans also have the bye this week.  Unfortunately, their remaining schedule isn't exactly going to be peachy; other than rematches against each of their division rivals, the Titans also play the Bungles, Ravens, Steelers, Rams, Cardinals, and 49ers.  I'd say, wait and see for the time being.

 

13.  Washington Redskins (3-3):  They played admirably for a while, but it was pretty clear that they simply didn't stand a chance against the Eagles.  The Redskins notably have it very weird the rest of the way, although two games against the Cowboys and Giants apiece may help matters much.  As well as matchups against the Cardinals, Seahawks, Chargers, and Broncos to look forward to.  Their 3 wins were against the Rams, Raiders, and 49ers.  Their three losses, on the other hand, were against the Eagles twice and the Chiefs, two of the best teams in the league at this point in time.  All things considered, I think they are a contender for a playoff spot at this point in time.

 

12.  Detroit Lions (3-3):  The Lions had the bye this week.  So they remain as they are.  Be as it may, with the sudden resuscitation of the lowly Bears, the elite Vikings defense, as well as the Steelers, they are gonna have to fight through some competitive games.  If they truly are hungry enough to make a serious run for a Super Bowl, they're gonna have to prove it next week starting with an important matchup with the Steelers.

 

11.  Buffalo Bills (4-2):  Of all the NFL teams rated lower on the list the previous week, I'd say the Bills are the most deserving to have their rank increased.  Mainly because they only have two losses on their schedule so far this season, and because with the struggles of a great many AFC teams this year, the Bills finally have a clear cut path to the playoffs.  They still have two matches against the Patriots, two against the Dolphins, one more against the Jets, the Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers, Colts, and Saints left on their schedule.  Even if they lose out against the Patriots, Chiefs and Saints, they still have a clear road to the playoffs if they beat win out against the rest of the AFC.  Especially against teams like the Chargers, Raiders and Dolphins, which could prove to be most invaluable tie-breakers.  Regardless, I still consider themselves a contender for now.

 

10.  Houston Texans (3-3):  They got the bye this week, so they maintain their current ranking for now.  They do have a bit of a challenge next week against the Seattle Seahawks.  If it's going to be played in Seattle, it's hard to imagine the Seahawks losing that battle.  But after that, they'll then get two matches against the Colts, rematches against both the Titans and Jaguars, the Rams, Cardinals, 49ers, Ravens, and Steelers.  And let's just say they lose, say, two of these games, predictably against the Rams and Steelers.  10-6 is realistic for the Texans, which, if it's not enough to win the division, would be enough to win a playoff berth all the same.

 

9.  Seattle Seahawks (4-2):  Well, I suppose I have to give the Seahawks some credit for going into New York and not allowing the Giants to embarrass them like they did the Broncos.  Doesn't mean I'm gonna like 'em any more than necessary.

 

8.  Carolina Panthers (4-3):  Losing to the unexpectedly good Saints team, and then losing to the Eagles was one thing.  Maybe the Bears are like this, and the Panthers will come around again.  But for now, back-to-back losses like this pretty much means the Panthers must get docked down a bit.

 

7.  LA Rams (5-2):  The Rams are looking to become the future of the NFC West.  It's about time too, because with the 49ers in the gutter, and the Cardinals getting on in age, the Rams actually look like the best team in the West, in spite having lost to division rival Seahawks.  I think there's more longevity with this Rams squad than there is the Seahawks is all.

 

6.  New Orleans Saints (4-2):  The Saints nearly made the critical mistake of taking a road game against a Packers squad without Aaron Rodgers lightly, and throughout the first half, the Packers' underrated defense kept them in the game.  Like Brady, one cannot help but keep watch for Drew Brees at some point in time late in the season.  Still, the Saints came around, and beaten the Packers by two scores.  And it just goes to show that the Saints defense is actually pretty good for once, and Brees still has it in him.

 

5.  Minnesota Vikings (5-2):  It feels weird ranking the Vikings this high on the power ranking since they're the only team in the top ten not to have a quarterback.  Still, Case Keenum has been playing mistake free in relief of Sam Bradford.  And if Teddy Bridgewater can get healthy and return to full football form in the foreseeable future, this team can actually get far.  Keep your fingers crossed, Purple Nation and hope that defense of theirs is good enough to reach the Super Bowl this season.

 

4.  Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2):  Yay.  They found their form.  And they didn't let the Bungles come in and beat them.  Plus, their division sucks, and the AFC division they are matched up with?  Also sucks.  And for all I know, they'll probably end up taking the Lions, Packers, Colts, and each of their division rivals lightly later on in the season anyways.  Plus, I'm fully expecting a predictable loss to the Patriots too unless Brady gets hurt.  Eh, what the heck?  9 wins will probably be enough to win that pitiful excuse for a division, so anything else added to that would be bragging rights.  But, who knows?  Maybe his post-game comments a couple weeks ago might be his version of Bill Belichik's "We're on in Cincinnati," and the Steelers make a deep run to the Super Bowl.  Who knows, really?  At least they finally have a good defense for the first time since 2011.

 

3.  New England Patriots (5-2):  I knew better not to take the Patriots off the top ten list in spite the atrocious defense.  At the very least, their scoring defense has improved hundred-fold since the slow first four games of the regular season.  And predictably, I knew they'd come back to the top five eventually.  I think there needs to be some solid indication that the Patriots are definitively the best team in football before I put them back on top of the list again.  And if I may be so bold, by season's end, unless the worst happens to Tom Brady and he begins to fall off the cliff, the Patriots will eventually find themselves atop the list of best football teams in the league (unless either the Chiefs or the Eagles remain undefeated the rest of the way).  The Broncos may be the bane of their existence, but even in Denver, this year, I doubt the Patriots will lose.  In addition, they always beat the Steelers and Chargers; they'll probably beat the Raiders regardless; and they'll probably sweep the Jets.  The only question mark are the Dolphins and Bills, but by all accounts, the Patriots should, at the very least, split both of these games.  So in other words, this is looking more and more like your typical 12-win season and first round playoff bye for the Patriots.  Any better than that will for sure grant them homefield advantage.

 

2.  Kansas City Chiefs (5-2):  I didn't feel comfortable picking against them this week.  But I somehow had a feeling they would end up losing on a short week.  They probably shouldn't, but the refs refused to allow the game to end, and the Raiders were practically granted unlimited chances to clinch the game-winner.  They'll beat the Raiders later on in the year, and they'll probably end up sweeping the Chargers and Broncos as well.  Besides those games, they still have match-ups against the Dolphins, Bills, Jets, Giants, and Cowboys.  They'll probably end up needing to win at least 12 games to clinch homefield advantage, and they have an opportunity to win as many as 14 games on their schedule.

 

1.  Philadelphia Eagles (6-1):  That lone loss on the season so far came against the Chiefs, fyi.  And they still have two matches against the Cowboys, a rematch against the Giants, and matchups against the Bears, Seahawks, Rams, 49ers, Broncos, and Raiders.  The only interesting matchup right away are against the Rams and Seahawks; if they win out against these two teams, we might just be talking about a Super Bowl team and an MVP candidate in Carson Wentz.  Which pretty much means they'll fail to win the Super Bowl altogether, because no team since the 1999 St. Louis Rams had won a Super Bowl after their player was named League MVP.  We might very well be watching the next NFL legend in the making.

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3 hours ago, Maynard_G_Krebs said:

Outside of Tom Brady going down, Dont'a Hightower reportedly out for the year with a torn pectoral is the worst news for Patriots. Big time loss. Like, potentially game-changing for the post-season.

 

Hightower might actually be worse.  Using the completely made up, fictitious ratings below, the drop off from Hightower to whoever has to replace him is probably larger than most.

 

Brady 101 OVR, Garoppolo 82 OVR = 19 pt variance

Hightower 97 OVR, LB replacement 54 OVR = 43 pt variance

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2 minutes ago, Bodom said:

 

Hightower might actually be worse.  Using the completely made up, fictitious ratings below, the drop off from Hightower to whoever has to replace him is probably larger than most.

 

Brady 101 OVR, Garoppolo 82 OVR = 19 pt variance

Hightower 97 OVR, LB replacement 54 OVR = 43 pt variance


Kyle Van Noy has exactly 2 months to figure out how be the defensive play adjuster.

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4 minutes ago, gojiphen malor said:

 

David Harris should see more time. At least they have a vet there who's been a starter.

 

More time? Definitely. But the Patriots are clearly limiting his reps. Dude has played 5% of all snaps so far in the season. I think Harris makes for a great run stuffer, but the Patriots need/expect so much more from their LB crew--dropping into coverage, moving to the edge occasionally, etc.. Come back Ninkovich!

Edited by Maynard_G_Krebs

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14 minutes ago, Maynard_G_Krebs said:

I get a very troubled, self-sabotaging Titus Young (former Detroit WR) vibe from Martavis Bryant.

 

Ughh.. I had forgotten about Titus Young. Arrested twice in one day.

Kinda reminds me of another Lions 1st round bust :

 


 

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Patriots Watch:

 

Patriots are headed into the bye with the offense kind of faltering and the defense stepping up. After 8 weeks of intently watching the Patriots play, I'm willing to officially cite that I'm hesitant of the Patriots off-season chances. Will they make the playoffs? Of course. They might even be able to pull out a #1 seed. But this year has proven as much as any year prior that anything is possible in today's NFL. I'm not confident in the Patriots off-season chances, were I to rate them by today's standard. There is still more than enough time for them to focus in as a group and get better, but it seems like as they improve, they lose a valuable member of their team that they then have to spend extra time accounting for moving forward, forcing them into something of a 2-steps-back-1-step-forward growth pattern.

I have confidence in the Pats; I'm just not overwhelmed with confidence. I'm incredibly grateful to the Eagles, Chiefs, and Steelers for pulling some of the spotlight away from the Patriots, so that they can focus on improving. I always appreciate the Patriots playing from a media-biased underdog scenario. Less spotlight the better, IMO.

Edited by Maynard_G_Krebs

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I expect the Chiefs to win tonight. That being said, if they don't, I forecast the immediate decline of Alex Smith's confidence, setting him back to the Alex Smith we've all known of since his 49ers days: a relatively decent game manager who is not championship material. Smith has to help his team win tonight, and if he doesn't, I don't expect the Chiefs to come out of the remainder of their 2017-2018 schedule with 10 total wins.

 

Good news for the Chiefs is that the Broncos literally don't have a single person on their team who can play the quarterback position.

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Yeah. My first reaction was one of "WHAAAA..."

...But then I started to think about it. Dude wasn't gonna get paid by the Patriots, and some team was gonna make him the offer. Was he great insurance for Brady this year? Definitely. But this is where they're getting the most value. I'm into it. Is it risky as f*ck? Yuuuuup. But if you're investing in a Brady-lead team at the end-ish of his career, then it's still a long-term-ish vision.

I'm down. But whoooooooooah nellie, it's all about Brady.

Edited by Maynard_G_Krebs

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1 minute ago, Maynard_G_Krebs said:

Yeah. My first reaction was one of "WHAAAA..."

...But then I started to think about it. Dude wasn't gonna get paid by the Patriots, and some team was gonna make him the offer. Was he great insurance for Brady? Sure. But this is where they're getting the most value. I'm into it. Is it risky as f*ck? Yuuuuup. But if you're investing in a Brady-lead team at the end-ish of his career, it's still a long-term vision.

I'm down. But whoooooooooah nellie, it's all about Brady.

 

Right?!  Has a team ever just had 1 QB on the roster?  Is Hoyer coming back as part of the deal?  Is Brady actually invincible?  (maybe)  Wondering if the Pats are going to immediately swing that pick for some players/help this year.  So many questions, so little patience.  Time to go on twitter for the next 3 hours...

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4 minutes ago, Bodom said:

 

Right?!  Has a team ever just had 1 QB on the roster?  Is Hoyer coming back as part of the deal?  Is Brady actually invincible?  (maybe)  Wondering if the Pats are going to immediately swing that pick for some players/help this year.  So many questions, so little patience.  Time to go on twitter for the next 3 hours...


Woooooah. I didn't even think about using the pick for trade value before the deadline. That would be amaaaaaazing.

Edited by Maynard_G_Krebs

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No Power Rankings this week.  Six NFL teams had their bye week, and they all kind of muck up my power rankings for the week.  Because I'm not going to move them around too much, this pretty much results in much of the NFL teams remaining in their respective rankings (the only noteworthy drop-offs belong to the Lions and Redskins, and the only notable climbs are the Ravens and Cowboys).  Because of this, there really isn't much there to discuss or move around.  Next week will be another six teams, and they are all on opposing sides of the Power Rankings; specifically the Patriots, Steelers, Vikings, Dolphins, Chargers, and Browns all have their byes next week.  So I'm gonna go the route of skipping this week and then making a comeback the week after.

 

Why doesn't the NFL simply grant 4 teams the bye each week from Week's 4-11, I have no idea.  In addition, every team that has to play in London will then be promptly rewarded with a bye the very next week.  Eh, what the heck?  A shame I don't have much to change in my power rankings, so...how about I roast every NFL team instead?

 

Buffalo Bills:  The Bills are a team with a legacy of failure written all over their resume.  They may be heading on their way out of the abyss of mediocrity, but let's face it; OJ Simpson, Wide Right, and the Music City Miracle that would cast the Bills into the swamp of mediocrity will remain this franchises' legacy unless they can somehow end the Patriots reign atop the AFC East, and especially win a Super Bowl.

 

Miami Dolphins:  Conglaturation on a Perfect Season that was mostly a result of a piss-easy schedule, especially given how much this team struggled in the postseason.  Still, they achieved perfection all the same, which the same cannot be said for another certain NFL team.  You do, however, manage to fail Dan Marino big time, have made the playoffs only twice since the Patriots took over and become a dynasty, and now, they are being pawned off as a possible London expansion team alongside the Jaguars.  Maybe you guys are good now, but you still have to play the whole season without a single bye week.

 

New England Patriots:  It's kind of hard to roast a team that consistently wins, but I'll try.  Spygate really did happen; Tom Brady is guilty of Deflategate beyond a shadow of a doubt; you were utter shit before Robert Kraft bought the football team, and you're gonna be in the same position the Bills were the entire century once Tom Brady either falls off a cliff or calls it a career.  Pray to God Brady doesn't get hurt at all, because if he goes down, buh-bye.  PS:  Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Joe Montana, and John Elway are all better QB's than Tom Brady.  But don't worry; he's still better than...no, I must not spoil the other NFL teams.

 

New York Jets:  Their only real success was Super Bowl III, which was pre-merger.  Ever since then, all the Jets squads, even the playoff teams had exactly only one thing in common; they were all butt fumbles.  That commercial where the kid in a family of Jets fans gets his hands on an OBJ jersey?  Not only was that a bit accurate, but it'd be even funnier if it was a Tom Brady or a Vince Wilfork jersey, while the other kids were wearing the jerseys of the butt and the fumble themselves.

 

Baltimore Ravens:  Ray Lewis was a total murderer and you guys fucking know it.  Also, Peyton Manning all but one time always had your guys' number, and the same can be said about the rest of the Colts organization.  Beyond all that, it's kind of hard to mock a team whose worst NFL season to date was a year 1 premiere 4-12 season, and then next worst said franchise ever finished in since then were 5-11 at the absolute worst.

 

Cincinnati Bungles:  The name says it all.  Also, haven't won a playoff game since 1990, and have been a complete failure under Marvin Lewis.  Too bad he's gonna get an extension soon because he won 3 games and will likely end up winning 2 or 3 more afterwards.

 

Cleveland Browns:  ...........................................................................................................................................................not even worth my time trying to roast.  Just pitiful.

 

Pittsburgh Steelers:  You're an organization that cannot beat New England, even in the games that matter most (you may have won two Super Bowls in three trips during the Patriots dynasty, but you never had to face the Patriots during either of these three runs); Big Ben is a fucking dickhead of epic proportions who, amidst all the rape allegations, decides to marry and have kids as a PR move; Antonio Brown and Martavius Bryant are a locker room cancer; and the less said about Le'Veon Bell's hip-hop career on the side, the better.

 

Houston Texans:  I'm gonna guess the Texans didn't learn a damn lesson from the 49ers a year prior as they decided to protest the anthem as a team after their owner noted how the NFL is allowing the inmates to run the asylum.  Given how their defense is utterly depleted, and every game the rest of the year will be decided by the amazing talents of rookie sensation Deshaun Watson carrying the entire squad on his shoulders week in and week out, I'm gonna predict a swift elimination from playoff contention by Christmas.

 

Indianapolis Colts:  At least you guys helped Peyton Manning win a Super Bowl.  Because Andrew Luck appears to be the next in a string of elite QB's this organization would have left down.  As a result, they are a team so bad that the only reason they even had 2 wins at all was because they were matched up with the Browns and 49ers, both winless as of this moment.  Speaking of which, the Broncos will probably end up plucking Andrew Luck, just like what we did with John Elway and Peyton Manning.  He'll probably have a better shot at winning a Super Bowl with the Broncos than with the Colts anyways.  No wonder the Colts are always motivated enough to beat us.

 

Jacksonville Jaguars:  A team that, by all accounts, should be piss easy to roast given the fact that this franchise has failed so miserably since its inception that it's already considered one of the ten lowliest NFL franchises in league history, and is the only expansion team in my lifetime to receive such a distinction.  The problem is, they're not even noteworthy enough to stand out as an abysmal team.  Either the Texans, Titans, Browns, or 49ers always end up outsucking them in some capacity or another.  And now they seem to be upgrading from bottom-feeder to walking mediocrity.  Conglaturation !!!  Have a participation Trophy award.  At least you're doing your best.

 

Tennessee Titans:  That touchdown pass back in the 1979/1980 AFC Championship game was most definitely an incomplete pass.  Even if it was called incorrectly, you still would end up getting your asses handed to you by the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Not to mention you failed Warren Moon, blew the whole organization up, relocated to Tennessee, and reached the Super Bowl.  In spite of all these things, you still failed miserably, and you still failed miserably to this very day.  You finally have a good QB, and yet you cannot win when it matters most because you are stuck in neutral with some of the most pathetically pedestrian and uninspired coaching of the entire league.  But take comfort; you're nowhere near the most pedestrian of coaching units.

 

Denver Broncos:  Oh, you thought being a Bronco fan, I was going to skip over my squad and look the other way during this roast!?  Heck, forget my comments about the Titans coaching staff; the Broncos coaching staff--specifically on offense--is some of the most insipid and uninspired units I've ever seen.  It makes Week 2 against the Cowboys appear like an odd anomaly when one takes into consideration the fact that ever since then, we have failed to score 20 points since Week 2.  This is what you get when you hire coaching staff based on the color of the coaches' skin rather than the qualifications as a head coach.  If Vance Joseph was actually a really good coach, I wouldn't care so much.  That sideline reporter in Week 1 by all accounts should have been a foreboding sign.

 

Kansas City Chiefs:  Since the merger, Andy Reid's hiring as head coach is perhaps the best thing ever to happen to the Chiefs, and they have since then found themselves winning consistently.  This pretty much means the Chiefs are either going to end up one-and-done in the playoffs, or sent packing by the Steelers come playoff time.  Still, I can still make plain the fact that this team had failed NFL legends the likes of Joe Montana, Marcus Allen, and Tony Gonzales.  And even with Marty Schot-er-Snot-er, fuck it!  Let's just call him Gleaming Marty.

 

LA Chargers:  I don't even need to roast the Chargers; their home crowds are so pathetic that it makes the 49ers and Rams stadiums seem packed by comparison.  To quote UrinatingTree on YouTube, FUCK YOU STAMOS!

 

Oakland Raiders:  All I need to mention are the Tuck Rule back in the 2001 divisional round; the next year, John Gruden was traded over to the Bucs, who then in turn made the Raiders their bitch so badly the Raiders wouldn't make it back to the playoffs until 2016.  Do I even need to mention Jamarcus Russell?  Not to mention Marshawn Lynch is beginning to look more and more like the colossal mistake that it truly was, and the Raiders will inevitably fuck off to Las Vegas, where they'll undoubtedly find themselves in the basement yet again.

 

Dallas Cowboys:  It seems way too easy to roast the Cowboys.  It seems like the entire NFL establishment is hell bent on screwing this organization at every turn.  Not just due to Jerry Jones outspoken demeanor or his political beliefs leaning more towards the right (which in turn will inevitably lead to the Ezekiel Elliot suspension being reinstated, and presumably in the period of time where it will hurt the club the most), but also with the Free Agency, the Salary Cap--all these things meant to sabotage and defang the Cowboys.  In a sense, I'd rather roast the NFL establishment and their self-destructing policies than go after the Cowboys.  Still, there is still one thing I can do to roast the Cowboys; it's name is the Steelers squad of the 1970's.

 

NY Giants:  No NFL franchise has ever derped their way to multiple Super Bowls as that of the Giants.  Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin essentially derp their way to Super Bowl champions back in 2007 and 2011.  Fuck it!  You're not even worth my time coming up with any roasting material.  Except...that you're 1-6, and are facing down the worst start for your franchise since 2013.  The Brandon Marshall curse will haunt you until he decides to call it a career.

 

Philadelphia Eagles:  Nobody outside of die-hard Eagles fans want them to succeed.  So I might as well mention how Terrell Owens joined the Cowboys, how the Giants derped their way to multiple Super Bowls, and how they still cannot beat former Eagles coach Andy Reid if their lives depended on it.  Also, for being the City of Brotherly Love, they sure do have a very odd way of showing it.  Who'd knew that brotherly love includes beating the crap out of out-of-town visitors, brandishing a crap ton of doom and gloom, throwing snowballs at Santa Claus, and bitching and moaning about every itty bitty thing on the planet, even though they're currently the best team in Football.  I'd call them some of the most thoroughly unpleasant and miserable sacks of shit on the face of the earth, but let's face it; that's Pennsylvania for you.  And besides, at least they come across as relatively classy as of late compared to a certain other team on the west coast.

 

Washington Redskins:  Hey, Social Justice Warriors; did you know that only 1 out of every 10,000 Native Americans in this country actually find the name offensive!?  I guess it's hard to take offense by a namesake of a Super Bowl dynasty.  Btw, where's the controversy surrounding the Blackhawks, the Indians, or any other sports teams based around natives!?  I know it's not about the Redskins themselves, but still, let's get pissed the fuck off and demand a Super Bowl dynasty to change their name because it offends an overwhelming minority of people.  The only people throwing bitch fits over the name if anything are a bunch of drive-by media propagandists, community organizers, and in general overly privileged white people.

 

Chicago Bears:  The victims of overwhelming nepotism and general organizational inbreeding.  Ever since Papa Bear Halas had died, the Bears became the greatest team the league had ever seen, only to disappear overnight with the disbandment of the Honey Bear cheerleading squad thanks to the overly feminist owner and daughter of Papa Bear herself, Virginia McCaskey.  Then she began dismantling all the core pieces left and right haphazardly and replacing them with a bunch of her own children and their devilish offspring in spite none of them knowing the fuck what they are doing when it comes to actually building a team.  Instead, it's pretty clear they only care about money, and will screw their own organization and fanbase over for decades on end if it means filling up their pockets with gold.  Even if Trubisky ends up becoming a promising quarterback, I make no promises that their fortune will change.

 

Detroit Lions:  The curse of Bobby Layne has grown so strong in fact that it's about to surpass it by a whole decade.  I dare not mention the names Barry Sanders or Calvin Johnson since they were among the best NFL players the team ever had, and all they have to show for it is one measly playoff victory for the former.  And now you make the typical mistake of overpaying your stars, and now the Lions have a colossal albatross around its own neck as the Lions inevitably choke on their own infantilism.  I'd bring up 0-16, but to be fair, that seems to be a badge of honor more than anything.  And some experts were projecting them to actually win the Super Bowl this year.....

 

Green Bay Packers:  With Aaron Rodgers down again, the Packers will get a taste of the basement this year.  Brett Favre became a Viking; and the Packers will make its inevitable return to the NFL gutter like it was back in the 70's and 80's.  That's what you get when you make close to zero moves in free agency, in spite the Patriots consistently proving that they know what they're doing in that regard.  Also, Mike McCarthy isn't a Cheese-Packer; he instead packs fudge alongside Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre.  Also, Brett Favre!?  Infinitely inferior to the likes of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana among many others.  I think even Terry Bradshaw could kick his ass, and Favre is a huge guy.

 

Minnesota Vikings:  Joe Marshall running the wrong way; four Super Bowl losses in less than 10 years; a failed goal line opportunity in the 1987 NFC Championship game; the Hershel Walker trade; Wilde Left; a blow-out loss to the Giants; a constant string of mediocrity; a collapse from a 6-0 start; Brett Favre's interception at the end of regulation, combined with a Saints game-winning field goal attempt; and the wide left chipshot field goal attempt.  No NFL team quite encompasses what it means to wield the legacy of failure as a badge of honor quite like the Vikings.  In spite being one of the winniest organizations in all of sports, they still have yet to win a Super Bowl, let alone make it back in.

 

Atlanta Falcons:  All that needs to be mentioned are the words 28-3.  The Super Bowl choke, if you will.

 

Carolina Panthers:  As a Bronco fan, all that needs to be said is that I was proud to watch a Bronco squad led by a legendary QB who was merely a shell of his former self throw for a measly 120+ yards and still kick your 15-1 asses.  Ever since then, the Panthers have been in a more or less pilgrimage mode and are not terribly reliable when it comes to winning and winning consistently.  Betcha the Cam Newton squad has any understanding behind their team catch-phrase.  I can, but this is a roast, not a history lesson.

 

New Orleans Saints:  No NFL team took longer just to make it to the playoffs as the Saints.  Not the Browns; not the Texans; not even the Broncos can compare to the long, 20-year wait for a playoff debut.  And even then, they are the only NFL squad not counting the Texans to have failed to win a single playoff game during the 20th century.  Thank God Drew Brees is still playing solid football, and their defense decided to do something for a change.  Because once Brees retires, the Saints will be right back where they were when the paper bags were introduced, and they were known affectionately as the Aint's.

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:  Considering just how sad and pathetic this whole entire organization's conception (heck, compared even to the long-standing NFL losers like the Browns or Bears), one has to wonder how this squad even got to a Super Bowl to begin with.  Winning it at least had an explanation in of itself.  But still, only one other NFL franchise is comparatively worst and less successful to that of the Buccaneers.

 

Arizona Cardinals:  A squad so fruitless that they only ever won a single, solitary NFL Championship all the way back in 1947, and would not win another postseason game again until 1998 when they pulled away with a road upset against the Cowboys.  Other than Kurt Warner breathing a bit of life into the organization, the Cardinals have otherwise been generally awful and close to devoid of anything remotely resembling talent.  And given the age of all their best players and the injury to Carson Palmer, and I say you're back in the garbage trunk, where you'll belong.

 

LA Rams:  So you packed up from St. Louis, picked Jared Goff over Carson Wentz due to the fact that Jared Goff looks more like a sexy Hollywood heartthrob rather than because he is that great, and yet you expect me to give you a pat on the back!?  If not for the fact that the Cardinals are aging badly and are as good as dead at this point in time, I'd never think about picking the Rams to win much of everything.  Then again, so long as they continue to optimize Todd Gurley, the Rams won't need to count on Goff to carry the team on his shoulders.  I'd speak about attendance, but let's face it; you packed and gave the people of St. Louis the middle finger just so you can play in a city that is notoriously picky when it comes to their sports teams not named the Lakers.

 

San Francisco 49ers:  Your fall from grace began when you decided to throw Jim Harbaugh under the buss, and it was all downhill from there.  The next year, next to every single player worth a damn during the Harbaugh years would end up either retiring or signing up with another squad.  The only exception to this role was Colin Kaepernick, who was never any good to begin with, and only looked that way because his offensive weapons were at least outstanding enough.  Then Colin Kaepernick got benched, and began this National Anthem Protests going on today.  And ever since then, the only team the 49ers have been able to win against all this time happens to be the Rams.  Twice.  Both times in 2016.  Maybe when you finally do away with this social justice warrior bullshit, and maybe you might get better as time goes on.

 

Seattle Seahawks:  In spite hating the 49ers' guts a few years ago, the Seahawks have taken inspiration from the 49ers to become the primary vessel of the American Left going forward.  The whole entire team--including the coaching staff, General Manager, Owner, and CEO, all protest the National Anthems in complete unity.  And since they themselves are the NFL's principle Social Justice Warriors,  if anything, they'll probably be the only NFL team that will survive acting like a bunch of man-child dickheads instead of professional athletes.  Still, they'll never win another Super Bowl again under those same practices.

 

Good night, everybody!

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On 10/30/2017 at 7:47 PM, Bodom said:

 

Right?!  Has a team ever just had 1 QB on the roster?  Is Hoyer coming back as part of the deal?  Is Brady actually invincible?  (maybe)  Wondering if the Pats are going to immediately swing that pick for some players/help this year.  So many questions, so little patience.  Time to go on twitter for the next 3 hours...

 

Looks like they didn't want to trade for Hoyer because of $$.

Brady is the new Blonda 

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It's really jarring when you see a guy like Jay Ajari, a guy that blew up as RB last year, get traded for a 4th round draft pick as RBs are so relatively less valuable than other positions

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I stand corrected.  Not only did Buffalo shit the bed against the Jets tonight, but Texans QB Deshaun Watson is our for the season as well.  Man, that is brutal!  Now the single reason you were able to rack up a crap ton of points is now gone.

 

Also, the Cowboys are going to be moving forward without Ezekiel Elliot.

 

And Trevor Simien got benched for Brock Osweiller.  Okay, so maybe that isn't such a bad idea.

 

Where do we go from here?  Tom Brady?  Carson Wentz?  The Legion of Boom?  It says a lot when it's becoming increasingly likely who our next playoff teams are going to be.  So far, I have to go with the following teams:  Patriots, Steelers, Chiefs, Titans, Bills, Jaguars, Eagles, Vikings, Saints, Rams, Seahawks, and either the Falcons or the Panthers (I'm leaning more towards the latter for now).

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On 11/2/2017 at 10:33 PM, buck said:

how much is the missing RB Elliot ("El-EE-Uht"...whispered like E.T.) going to effect the outcome of the KC/DAL game? 

 

He might serve that 6 game suspension 5 years from now.

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